It began with the pre-dawn strike of news that Attorney General Jeff Sessions actually had met with Russia’s ambassador–despite having testified under oath that he hadn’t met with any Russians ever, never saw “From Russia with Love,” and has no idea what Russian dressing is even supposed to taste like.
Y’know how sometimes you forget where you put your car keys, or the fact you had multiple conversations with Russian officials while Russia was being sanctioned by your government for its aggressions right in NATO’s backyard? Well, that’s what happened to him.
The assault continued with multiple Really White House denials that Sessions had perjured himself and/or that perjury was no big deal because who cares. Fucking Trump, the commander-in-chef himself, took to the battlefield when he said he “wasn’t aware” of Sessions’ meetings and dismissed the questions and calls for inquiries as “a total vitch hunt.”
Then came the blitz–as Sessions held a news conference and announced he would recuse himself from any current or future investigations into Russia’s connections with the Trump campaign.
Throughout the day, opponents of the Russia story launched volley after volley in the hopes of breaking through with the kind of story they want to see get covered over the next however many months. All the stories in today’s Quickies died the moment they poked their head out of the trenches. They couldn’t break through with the confirmation of baby-splitting doctor Ben Carson as Housing and Urban Development secretary.
They even went nuclear, dropping the metaphorical atomic bomb that Rick Perry had been confirmed as the man in charge of our literal atomic bombs. Even the vice president put on his combat boots and took up arms with the revelation that he–who attacked Hillary Clinton for using a private email server–got hacked because he was using AOL, or Prodigy, or CompuServe for all we know.
The vice president of the United States got hacked…AND WAS USING AOL…and even THAT didn’t matter! Somebody was secretly reading the emails of WhiteHairedHottie629 and NOBODY CARED! Mike Pence went down fighting because none of it mattered–nothing could break the wave of Russia-related news.
Mike Flynn met with the Russian ambassador at Trump Tower.
Jared Fucking Kushner ALSO met with the Russian ambassador at Trump Tower.
Democrats accused the FBI director of holding out on information about their investigation.
Sessions attended the convention where he met the Russian ambassador using campaign money, despite claiming he was there in his capacity as a senator.
Sessions said the Really White House knew he was going to recuse himself when they said he shouldn’t.
Sessions’ recusal left the matter to his deputy attorney general, of whom there is none (aside from an acting a.g.), meaning Sessions should now recuse himself from picking whoever’s going to handle all this shit he’s recusing himself from.
Sessions said the Really White House didn’t understand the rules and ethical issues surrounding recusal…on the same fucking day we learned the Really White House decided to skip the class on rules and ethics.
One of Trump’s not-yet-fired national security advisers contradicted Trump’s past claim he was not involved in softening the Republican platform position on Ukraine by claiming that Trump ordered it.
All of these assaults on America’s ability to focus on other shit came in just one, single, insane, eye-bleeding, brain-pretzeling, 24-hour period.
By sundown, the battlefield was littered with the bodies of the dead stories, with unknown legions of additional Russian revelations standing in reserve, massed on the border of our attention spans. Dasvidaniya, any other news ever.
Correction: Earlier in this article we referred to Jeff Sessions as “Attorney General Jeff Sessions.” We should have referred to him as “current Attorney General Jeff Sessions.” The Fucking News regrets the error, but not half as much as Sessions does.