The 115th Congress—known to future historians as The Lastth Congress—will convene today in Washington, a city once known as the symbol of hope for a young republic founded by public intellectuals and soon to be the home of Donald Fucking Trump on alternate Tuesdays.
Republicans return to work vowing to carry out the mandate given to them on Election Day by the American people, who voted to cut the number of Republicans in the House by six, and the number in the Senate by two, and voted by a margin of almost three million to put a nice Democratic lady in the White House.
After Democratic leaders spent the past eight years trying to demonstrate to Americans unobtrusively through gentle behavioral modeling that government actions have a direct bearing on the quality of people’s lives, Republicans today will launch an ambitious effort to achieve the same goal very, very differently.
Republicans begin the new year with a massive list of things to not do. Items on their governmental to-don’t list include:
- Ensure insurance for all.
- Tread on Wall Street.
- Dilute pollution.
And at least 200 other fucking things. Republican sources acknowledged to The Fucking News that to don’t all the things they want government to don’t will require moving at a relentful pace.
In the Senate, the first priority is scrapping ObamaCare, a long legislative process that could begin as early as this week with a delicate, preliminary procedure using precision legislative tools and involving a budgetary triple bypass of the filibuster. Much like health care for members of Congress, the procedure will be paid for by taxpayer dollars and/or lives. The House hopes to follow through as soon as next week. Congressional Republicans will then move immediately to not figure out how to explain letting millions of Americans go without health insurance.
Previous prognoses for ObamaCare estimated that after the new Congress convened, it would have anywhere from a month to three years to live. Either way, ObamaCare will be survived by the normalized expectation that no American should die because they can’t afford to first give all their money to insurance companies and health-care providers.
Also on the House to-don’t list this week, the REINS Act, which makes sure federal agencies don’t pass any new rules that cost the private sector more than $100 million unless the agencies get congressional approval first for not don’ting their jobs. On the other hand, the new Congress will fast-track any deregulation costing the human sector more than $100 million due to lost wages, lost overtime, or Wall Street vampirism. Also cool with the new Congress, deregulation costing more than 100 people’s lives due to Congress not don’ting things like corporate asthma, municipal lead poisoning, or totally necessary war(s) of choice(s).
Existing legislation lets Congress kill regulations from the 60 most recent legislative days with simple majority votes. But House Republicans this week want to weaponize that power with a bill that would let them kill recent black-president rules en masse, without having to debate each rule’s pros for Goldman Sachs and Big Oil against the cons for Americans who like getting paid overtime for working overtime and enjoy breathing air stuff in their air.
Also on the House Republican to-don’t list: Vetting Trump’s nominees and scrutinizing their records and agendas. Reports yesterday suggested that Democrats will put up a fight to delay confirmation for at least eight nominees, almost all of whom will be opposed on the basis of the inherent badness of their personal souls, while the agendas they’ll be carrying out will get a free pass.
New Congressional Black Caucus Chairman Rep. Cedric Richmond (D-LA) will today discuss his agenda, which actually will be policy focused and therefore ignored both politically and journalistically.