The Republican call for replacing catastrophes as soon as possible after they are ended will find its way into a broad range of federal policy, according to a Trump adviser who spoke to The Fucking News anonymously because how the hell would anyone know who’s leaking in that shitcircus of an administration.
New policy initiatives now under way include:
- Pulling federal aid from local fire departments that extinguish major blazes before preparing blueprints for at least a dumpster fire as replacement,
- Withholding research grants from cancer researchers until after they prepare replacement injections of benign neoplastic cells,
- Banning use of the Heimlich Maneuver at public restaurants before ordering a replacement bowl of vichyssoise,
- Delaying all state and federal executions until new baby murderers are born.
After some reorganization at the federal level, the new policies will be carried out by the Federal Emergency Replacement Agency and the Centers for Disease Control and Replacement.