White House Takes Down Climate Page, Replaces With Ignorant Bullshit 

President Donald “Tesla” Trump closed his final deal on Earth’s future last Friday, revealing something he laughingly called the “America First Energy Plan,” or more accurately translated as: “America’s Goin’ Down First, But We’re Taking The Rest of The World With Us. And If We Could, We’d Really Fuck With The Moon Too.”

An analysis by The Fucking News determined that the biggest difference between the former and new president’s energy plans was that no one in the “Grabber” administration had the “energy” to consult reality.

On Election Day, Trump easily won the idiot-dependent state of West Virginia by pledging to revive their dead coal industry by removing every mountaintop and digging all the way to China’s coal. Ancillary groups of “mole people” would then stay behind at the Earth’s core, slowly burrow back up to the Mexican border, and appear at night to build a surprise wall funded from the bountiful tribute paid by “conquered cave gnomes.” TFN readers may recall that the cave-gnome promise was how Trump won Texas.

In the past, the Lumpen One labelled Pres. Obama’s policies favoring low-carbon renewable sources as “job killers.” Instead, Trump prefers coal, oil and gas, or “people killers.”

A summation of Trump’s new energy plan is as follows:

  • Burn more ancient Egyptian mummies to power steam locomotives
  • Reduce energy consumption by bringing back slavery
  • Promote fracking worldwide (see: Clinton, Hillary)
  • Make English language more energy efficient by removing letters spelling “climate change”
  • Pack coal greenhouse emissions in a big rocket and blast it to the planet Xenu
  • Wait for the Rapture when Jesus will appear to turn down our thermostats to 65
  • Save all urine in mason jars, label by month, and store in granite vaults
  • Legalize father-daughter incest
  • Kill all life forms.