Wall Street Rallies on Obliviousness to Global Warnings Not to Rally

Wall Street hit record highs on Monday, rallying on news that Wall Street would ignore news from the rest of Earth. The Standard & Poor 500 topped $20 trillion in market value, well over the value of standard and poor Americans.

The market was fueled by Trump’s announcement Thursday that he would soon unveil beautiful tax cuts, which will benefit the market. “Business does seem to be back in the driver’s seat, and I think that’s why people are willing to pay up a little bit more for stocks,” said Harris Financial Group managing partner Jamie Cox, without choking on his own fucking bullshit. Cox declined to identify where the fuck he thinks business has been sitting for the last six decades or who the fuck else he thinks has ever had a chance at driving the car or even just holding the steering wheel for a fucking minute in the goddamn parking lot.

“Fundamentals in the world, including the U.S., are getting better,” added Brent Schutte of Northwestern Mutual Wealth Management, whose clients might want to know that Brent is apparently managing their wealth without knowing what one of Earth’s top credit-rating agencies thinks.

Because on Friday, Fitch Ratings said, “U.S. policy predictability has diminished, with established international communication channels and relationship norms being set aside and raising the prospect of sudden, unanticipated changes in U.S. policies with potential global implications…[and] the present balance of risks points toward a less benign global outcome,” adding, “Hope you see this, Brent.”

Of course, there’s no evidence of global uncertainty about Trumpmerica. Except for the amazing amount of shit reported by Bloomberg Monday.

Japan, for instance, the single largest holder of America’s debt, reduced their U.S. holdings the month after Trump’s election more than they have in four years.

As Bloomberg put it:

“From Tokyo to Beijing and London, the consensus is clear: few overseas investors want to step into the $13.9 trillion U.S. Treasury market right now. Whether it’s the prospect of bigger deficits and more inflation under President Donald Trump or higher interest rates from the Federal Reserve, the world’s safest debt market seems less of a sure thing…”

Asked whether the dumping of U.S. debt reflects concerns about the Trump presidency, Earth said, “We’re just looking to diversify our portfolio and hedge our position in the non-maniac futures space.”

The Trump rally–which we’re calling a Trump rally so everyone knows who owns it when shit gets real–stuttered last week due to concerns about the economic impact of Trump’s protectionism, but as he indicated on Monday, his Wall Street appointees are gonna talk him out of that ASATPP.