U.S. Declares War on Iran the Next Time Major Garrett Feeling Under the Weather 

Really White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said Thursday that the United States is prepared to take action against Iran just as soon as CBS News Chief White House Correspondent Major Garrett does not show up for work. Earlier on Thursday, Spicer had threatened action against Iran for its attack, which it did not commit, on a U.S. naval vessel, which it not was.

The verbal hostilities began Wednesday night, when National Security Adviser Michael Flynn said the U.S. was “officially putting Iran on notice,” although he did not actually, officially put Iran on notice, due to that not being a thing. Flynn was referring to a recent missile test by Iran, and to Monday’s attack on a Saudi frigate by Houthi rebels in Yemen who are aligned with Iran but are not Iran.

When reporters asked Spicer on Thursday to clarify Flynn’s “on notice” bullshit, Spicer said, “Iran’s additional hostile actions that it took against our [italics added for Strangeloveness] Navy vessel are ones that we are very clear are not going to sit by and take. I think that we will have further updates for you on those additional actions.”

It was at that moment that Garrett selflessly threw himself on a live mic, saying, “Saudi vessel.” To which Spicer responded by delaying the war, saying, “Sorry, yes. Thank you. Yes, a Saudi vessel.”

Congressional Republicans responded by passing, with some Democratic support, an Authorization for the Use of Military Force Whenever Major Garrett Is Out Sick.

Flynn told The Fucking News (hey, it could happen!), “We have told our brave men and women that they have to be ready to go at a moment’s notice. Flu season isn’t over and our best intel suggests Garrett has some vacation time coming. Either way, ready up.”

In the meantime, opponents of the now-unscheduled war said they consider Garrett a hero. “I owe my son’s life to Major Garrett,” said 46-year-old Jessica Davidson, founder of Gold Star Mothers for Major Garrett. Davidson said her group is organizing nationwide vigils to pray for Garrett’s health and use of personal days.

“For at least the next few weeks, until he takes off for a school event or something, the world owes Major Garrett a debt of gratitude for his selfless action that we can never repay,” said a source inside the Nobel Peace Prize Committee.

Spicer tried to downplay the incident, telling The Fucking News (okay, that will never happen), “All of this was simply a slip of the tongue since I had just come from the latest internal White House meeting on how to gin up a war with Iran. Nothing more.”