Trump Says American Greatness Has Returned Now That He Will Start Being President Soon

Addressing a joint session of Congress Tuesday night, Pres. Donald Fucking Trump told the nation that it is time for America to end the petty squabbles that his party inflicted on us and that America will rise to greatness once more as soon as he begins his term as president.

Pres. Fucking Trump assured Americans that once he settles into the Oval Office and figures out how to use the voice-mail system, he will put an end to the recent waves of hate crimes against immigrants and Jews that were left over from the previous administration and started around November for some reason. (See related story below.)

Among other agenda items Fucking Trump laid out that he will start tackling on day one once he becomes president, he promised to spend a trillion dollars of public and private money on infrastructure. The private investments in infrastructure will help improve it to the point where it’s so good people will be willing to pay tolls to the new private owners of America’s roads and bridges just to use them forever. Most of the money has to come from the private sector because borrowing money now to make it free for all Americans forever would be wrong.

Fucking Trump also assured worried people who are insured through ObamaCare that once it’s repealed they will have a smooth, compassionate, and easy transition to destitution and/or death.

And, in a moment that had TV commentators creaming their pants with patriotism, Fucking Trump thanked the widow of slain Navy SEAL Chief Petty Officer William “Ryan” Owens for letting America kill him for no discernible purpose whatsoever in Yemen, where we’re not even supposed to be having a war because why.

Fucking Trump told Owens’ widow that her husband–who, readers may recall, is dead–was in fact at an undisclosed location somewhere above her and looking down on her, though apparently not choosing to move any lower in order to be at her altitude and apparently not inclined to speak to her, comfort her, or address her in any way. Notwithstanding Owens’ alleged post-mortem aloofness toward his widow, Fucking Trump assured her that Owens is happy–despite having lost his family, his wife, his job, and corporeal existence in terrifying and traumatic circumstances–because members of Congress clapped a long time for him. Aw!

Democrats hammered Fucking Trump in their official response, delivered by an old, white man with a folksy southern accent who assured the country that he enjoys pretzels and walking.