Word came Monday that a recent raid in Yemen was Pres. Fucking Trump’s first covert military action. There were no human targets; the SEAL team was there to steal al Qaeda computers that might have held intelligence. Chief Petty Officer William “Ryan” Owens was killed. So was Nawar Anwar al-Awlaki, an 8-year-old American girl who had the misfortune to be born into a family of terrorists and to be present for a SEAL team raid. Other noncombatants were also killed, but, y’know, not American, so whatevs.
“Almost everything went wrong,” one official told NBC News. It’s not clear whether Trump is at fault any more than Pres. Carter was for his disastrous attempt to rescue American hostages in Iran. However, a source tells The Fucking News Trump was tragically unaware that Americans dying to get computers cheap is what the day after Thanksgiving is for.
The two American deaths put Trump on a fast track to outdo or at least rival the very worst shortcomings of several failed commanders in chief: The media’s failure to acknowledge his full range of stunning un-accomplishments reportedly made furious for 38 seconds before something interesting happened nearby.
Prior even to Election Day, Trump’s history of sexual predation–featuring double-digit lawsuits, underage targets, and an unhealthy interest in his own family values–made Pres. Clinton at his skeeviest look like Alan Alda (ask your parents; it’s a good line).
Pres. Trump is also gearing up to pay tribute to native-American genocide champ Pres. Andrew Jackson by poisoning Sioux groundwater with oil pipeline construction and/or spills.
Inspired by the competency and effectiveness of Pres. Bush’s Katrina response, Trump responded with his own FEMA delay just days in office, waiting several days to approve aid for Mississippi and George after tornadoes struck there on his first weekend in office.
In terms of positive qualities, Trump has said, “I can be the most presidential person ever, other than possibly the great Abe Lincoln, all right?” Although remembered today as folksy and lovably down-to-Earth, Lincoln’s un-presidential behavior and carriage were scandalous at the time.
Lincoln was unkempt, slept in the hallways, slept in his socks, slept in other people’s socks, and sent kitchen slaves fleeing in horror and disgust by emancipating folksy snot rockets at them for his amusement. All of which Trump now plans to do.