Trump-Free Briefs

  • An Army general who was in contention to serve as as the next commander of the U.S. Army in Europe has been denied promotion to a third star after an internal investigation found that he referred to a Democratic congressional staffer as “sweetheart,” a charge that was vehemently denied by General Sugar-Manboobs.
  • New Year’s Eve was cold, according to reports, as part of nature’s plan to increase global warming at a pace sufficiently gradual to let deniers cherry-pick data and recalibrate norms, according to research published early last year by a frog in a pot of boiling water.
  • The activist Erica Garner, daughter of police-brutality victim Eric Garner, died this weekend after an asthma attack triggered her chronic cardiac condition. Doctors found earlier this year that her heart was literally too large.
  • A Pennsylvania judge ruled on Friday that a congressional district there was drawn to give Republicans an electoral advantage and that that was just hunky dory.
  • Minimum-wage hikes went into effect in 18 states Monday, giving raises to an estimated 4.5 million poor and fooling-themselves-they’re-not-poor people.