“Stunned” reporters were “shocked” Sunday as they were “pummeled,” “slammed,” and “devastated” by Pres.-elect Donald Fucking Trump’s latest “salvo” against “journalism” (whatever that is), i.e. the terrifying possibility that they might actually have to hit the streets and do some real reporting.
If carried out, the move would upend decades of established protocol whereby millionaire access-journalists have been allowed to work in the White House close to senior officials, befriend them, go out to bars with them, exchange STDs, get to know their families, exchange more STDs, marry them, create new STDs, never write anything challenging about them whatsoever, and ultimately contribute to the downfall of our democracy by turning the “Fourth Estate” into a fixer-upper.
Reacting to press concerns, incoming Trump Chief of Laugh Reince ’n’ Repeat Priebus said, “The only thing that’s been discussed is whether or not the initial press conferences are going to be in that small press room,” adding exclusively to The Fucking News, “We have bigger concerns with the media. For instance, right now this country doesn’t have even one, single media outlet dedicated to covering the upcoming Rapture. I think we can do better. And moving the press corps to a larger area would also help accommodate snake handlers and maniacs writhing around on the floor and speaking in tongues like Jerry Lewis.”
Journalists have enjoyed a presence in the White House since the days of President McKinley, when investigative reporters held his administration accountable for the infamous “Saltwater Taffy Scare” of aught 01.
The incoming press secretary (who’ll probably resign in two months and/or die from puffer-fish poison, so why list his name?) stressed the importance of giving reporters more work space in order to facilitate a greater number of softball questions with no challenging follow-ups.
Currently the briefing room has only 49 seats, or roughly 24.5 seats per actual journalist.
Trump’s miscommunications team is also considering prohibiting television coverage of daily press briefings and replacing it with a tape loop of Jimmy Fallon tousling the president-elect’s hair.
In response to this affront upon their self worth, the Washington Post editorial board immediately issued a tasteful Martin Luther King, Jr., Day riposte entitled, “Martin Luther King, Jr., Was A True Conservative” to reassure readers that the newspaper’s editorial board is in no way reading the reporting in its own newspaper.
As of press time, Chuck Todd’s creepy goatee could not be reached for comment.