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Elite Sean Spicer Unit Mounts Daring Commando Raid on Sean Spicer’s Credibility

An elite team of Really White House Press Secremaybe Sean Spicer on Monday carried out a daring, post-dawn raid on multiple strategic targets surrounding the credibility of Sean Spicer. Spicer launched the bold assault to defend Pres. Fucking Trump’s half-assed decision-making based on half-baked intelligence to launch a SEAL team raid in Yemen during his first week in office.

The raid produced multiple American casualties–including two fatalities; a Navy SEAL and an 8-year-old civilian girl–and killed a shit-load of local people who were on a list of known local people. On Monday, Spicer was able to take out Spicer’s credibility with a single shot, saying that electronic equipment seized in the raid “was successful in helping prevent a future attack or attacks on this nation.”

Spicer’s claim that Fucking Trump has somehow already prevented a future attack or attacks without anyone knowing about it left Spicer’s credibility mortality wounded and unable to be rescued due to a violent crossfire of both contradictory facts and fucking logic.

For one thing, Spicer offered no detail on one attack or more than one attack, nor did he specify how it and/or they were prevented, or whether anyone or anyseveral were captured and/or arrested and/or killed in the process of preventing a future attack or attacks on this nation. For another fucking thing, Spicer’s mortally wounded credibility was fatally finished off Monday night when NBC News reported that senior officials say there has been no sign of significant intelligence resulting from the Yemen raid.

The Fucking News has learned that the Spicer raid also was unable to find any signs of intelligence whatsoever. Trump officials, however, said that to denigrate the raid on Spicer’s credibility was to denigrate those who contributed to the mission. “Spicer’s credibility died a hero, in service of this president’s vow to protect his own sense of not having killed a Navy SEAL.”

more: TPM, NBC
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White House Gasps in Horror at Realization That The Calls Are Coming…from INSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE!

The Trump Adminisylum is cracking down to ensure there are no more leaks from anonymous sources inside the White House, according to leaks from anonymous sources inside the White House.

The report of the crackdown by Really White House Press Secremaybe Sean Spicer was published by Politico on Sunday at 11:55am, ten minutes after Spicer warned his staff not to leak information any more, especially about the 11:45am crackdown. An anonymous source close to Spicer said to The Fucking News on Sunday, “Sean’s really angry. He’s yelling at us about the leaks right now. Hold on, I’ll put it on speaker so you can hear. Pissed, right? So funny. Hey, did I already gave you his email password? Shit, hold on, the New York Times just texted me back. Gotta go!”

Other sources suggested that Spicer was giving individuals specific information to make leaks traceable after the fact. “Sean pulled only one person aside beforehand and told them that no one else knew he was going to do this and that they shouldn’t tell anyone,” according one unnamed source who heard Spicer’s remarks directly as a result of Spicer talking to him at the time.

Furthermore, Spicer also warned Really White House staff that they are violating federal record-keeping laws by using apps that delete their texts automatically, according to a text received by TFN that deleted automatically.

One Really White House source told Politico that Deputy Communications Director Jessica Ditto cried at a meeting in which Spicer criticized her work. Spicer then actually fucking told Politico that, “The only time Jessica recalls almost getting emotional is when we had to relay the information on the death of Chief Ryan Owens,” Almost.

Fortunately, she was spared from actually getting emotional when she remembered that who gives a shit about Chief Ryan Owens, because the Yemen raid was a success and anyone who says it wasn’t didn’t die as a result of it.

more: Politico
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Team of Résumés

With less than a month on the job, Pres. Donald Fucking Trump has begun to question some of his first and most important hiring choices, because he’s an idiot but not a total idiot.

According to various reports from reporters talking to people who have every fucking reason in the world to lie—and work for a guy who does it every day—the list of staffers Fucking Trump has begun to second-guess, after failing to first-guess, includes National Job-Insecurity Adviser Michael Flynn, Temp of Staff Reince Priebus, Really White House Press Secremaybe Sean Spicer, and anyone else whose exploitation of others hasn’t made them millions of dollars.

The entire team of climate-change deniers is reportedly on thin ice. “These people are insecure because Trump does not respect them,” one source told Axios. “He does not because they have not made any money.”

Another said the staff has been putting out “400 fires a day,” a tough task for even the most skilled and seasoned arsonists. Trump reportedly has complained that his people have not given him good advice and did not have a legal team ready to defend his Muslim ban against charges that it’s a Muslim ban.

One Trump friend whose name we’re too lazy to look up told a journalistic outlet we couldn’t bother to find the link to in our notes, said for real, “He’s always…had strong people around him, and he’s in the process of figuring out who those people are.” Professionals in the human-resources field told TFN that screening job applicants post-hiring is preferable because it gives employers the best opportunity to see how the people they hired will fuck up their attempts to fuck up America.

Trump reportedly is reluctant to make changes soon, because that would widely be seen as an admission of failure. Trump’s admission that it would be seen as an admission of failure was widely seen as an admission of admission of failure.

Specifically, Trump thinks Flynn is “a problem,” complains about Spicer’s job performance, and has begun asking who might replace Priebus. A draft memo obtained exclusively by The Fucking News shows that Trump’s campaign team is considering a number of possible replacements for Priebus, including Prince Rebus, E. Pluribus, and Heinz Ketchup.

Already, Trump is said to be relying on people outside the three-week-old Really White House staff. “He needs to hear from voices outside the Beltway,” one fictional source told TFN. “He needs to get rid of all these Washington insiders, drain the swamp, and escape the Washington bubble. It’s time to Make the Trump Administration Great Again!”

In an exclusive interview Trump could’ve given with TFN because who knows what the fuck that guy’ll do, Trump said, “I promised America I would hire the best people. And when I replace the best people, I replace them with the best replacements. We will have so much transitioning, you will get sick of transitioning.”

Trump reportedly will have lunch this week with Gov. Chris Christie (R-NJ), who may be under consideration to join the Really White House to calm things down with his gentle touch and way with people.

Update: Late Monday night, Flynn was said to have Trump’s “full confidence,” shortly after which he accompanied Joe Pesci for his initiation to become a made man.
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Exclusive: Secret List Reveals Vast Number of Attacks on America Not Covered by Media

The Fucking News has obtained an exclusive, draft copy of a secret list that Really White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has promised to provide of attacks and attempted attacks on America.

Spicer made his promise after Pres. Donald Fucking Trump on Monday told members of the U.S. military that such attacks are “not even being reported” because the American news media “doesn’t want to report” terrorist attacks.

“They have their reasons, and you understand that,” he added, like a dick.

Challenged by reporters to identify what the fuck Fucking Trump was talking about, Spicer slid quietly into the claim that Trump was also referring to “under-reported” attacks, which we fucking guarantee you will include random beheadings in the Philippines and shit like that.

However, TFN has exclusively obtained a list of actual attacks, and plots, against America, that really have been virtually ignored by TV news. Some of the worst attacks included on the list are:

A network of operatives has already figured out how to poison America’s water systems with arsenic, mercury, and selenium obtained from coal mines. The poisons will be injected into America’s water supply as soon as Pres. Fucking Trump signs off on deregulating coal-mining runoff.

Other terrorist operatives are even now forming virtual pipelines of actual pipelines to funnel fossil-fuel poisons that will slowly seep into surrounding water tables and then into people.

Gas Attacks
An estimated 180,000 tons of methane will be pumped into America’s air supply by radical capitalist extremists, with wanton disregard for human life. In addition to degrading the atmospheric shields that protect America and other Earth places from radiation attacks by the sun, the gaseous chemical weapon will lead to unknown numbers of asthma attacks and also deaths, while creating no jobs.

School Shootings
A tiny cell of extremists has been arming millions of “Americans,” including some who are likely to become radicalized lone wolves and take their weapons into schools after receiving messages from stupid fucking shitheads claiming there are grizzly bears in our schools.

Destruction of Property
A small group of wealthy, foreign-from-reality businessmen are backing efforts to blow up the already flimsy barriers currently protecting America from another credit crisis. If the barriers don’t hold, tens of thousands of Americans could once again lose their homes to this terrorist onslaught.
“Getting Rid Of” America’s First Responders
Politico reports there has been an increase in chatter about taking out Richard Cordray, head of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. Cordray, of course, leads the brave servicemembers of the CFPB into battle every day on the front lines against the terrorists targeting America’s national interests, such as our fucking money. An unnamed intel source close to the Trump Adminisylum told Politico, “There has been talk of getting rid of Cordray.”
For his own protection, Cordray has been put under 24-hour protection by Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA).

Update: The Really White House Monday night released its final draft of the list, which obviously proves Pres. Fucking Trump was wrong, but also omits the tragic Bowling Green Massacre, drawing complaints from millions of the survivors and family members of the victims.

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U.S. Declares War on Iran the Next Time Major Garrett Feeling Under the Weather 

Really White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said Thursday that the United States is prepared to take action against Iran just as soon as CBS News Chief White House Correspondent Major Garrett does not show up for work. Earlier on Thursday, Spicer had threatened action against Iran for its attack, which it did not commit, on a U.S. naval vessel, which it not was.

The verbal hostilities began Wednesday night, when National Security Adviser Michael Flynn said the U.S. was “officially putting Iran on notice,” although he did not actually, officially put Iran on notice, due to that not being a thing. Flynn was referring to a recent missile test by Iran, and to Monday’s attack on a Saudi frigate by Houthi rebels in Yemen who are aligned with Iran but are not Iran.

When reporters asked Spicer on Thursday to clarify Flynn’s “on notice” bullshit, Spicer said, “Iran’s additional hostile actions that it took against our [italics added for Strangeloveness] Navy vessel are ones that we are very clear are not going to sit by and take. I think that we will have further updates for you on those additional actions.”

It was at that moment that Garrett selflessly threw himself on a live mic, saying, “Saudi vessel.” To which Spicer responded by delaying the war, saying, “Sorry, yes. Thank you. Yes, a Saudi vessel.”

Congressional Republicans responded by passing, with some Democratic support, an Authorization for the Use of Military Force Whenever Major Garrett Is Out Sick.

Flynn told The Fucking News (hey, it could happen!), “We have told our brave men and women that they have to be ready to go at a moment’s notice. Flu season isn’t over and our best intel suggests Garrett has some vacation time coming. Either way, ready up.”

In the meantime, opponents of the now-unscheduled war said they consider Garrett a hero. “I owe my son’s life to Major Garrett,” said 46-year-old Jessica Davidson, founder of Gold Star Mothers for Major Garrett. Davidson said her group is organizing nationwide vigils to pray for Garrett’s health and use of personal days.

“For at least the next few weeks, until he takes off for a school event or something, the world owes Major Garrett a debt of gratitude for his selfless action that we can never repay,” said a source inside the Nobel Peace Prize Committee.

Spicer tried to downplay the incident, telling The Fucking News (okay, that will never happen), “All of this was simply a slip of the tongue since I had just come from the latest internal White House meeting on how to gin up a war with Iran. Nothing more.”

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Really White House: Dead Muslims Illustrate Threat of Killer Muslims

Really White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer explained on Monday that this weekend’s deadly shooting at a Quebec City mosque validates Pres. Donald Fucking Trump’s cowardly baby policies of keeping out the scary people.

The mosque attack left six Muslims dead and unlikely to get through customs at JFK. Spicer on Monday said, “It’s a terrible reminder of why we must remain vigilant, and why the president is taking steps to be pro-active, rather than reactive, when it comes to our nation’s safety and security.” Spicer later told The Fucking News, “This time it was six Muslims killed. Next time it could be people.”

In a late development Monday night that bolstered Spicer’s point, The Fucking News confirmed that the alleged shooter was not, in fact, American. The accused gunman, al-Exandre Bissonnette, appears to have been a permanent resident who was actually born in Q’anadia. Authorities believe he entered the country as a baby through a vagina.

American officials say they will continue to turn away people at the border for expressing dislike of Fucking Trump to ensure that no one gets in like the guy who allegedly killed six Muslims for being too Muslim and literally liked Trump on Facebook.

more: NBCStar
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Leaks Spill Gallons of Truth from Trump’s Deregulated EPA

Just days into the Trump Administration, the Environmental Protection Agency has begun leaking dangerous amounts of truth, cautionary warnings, and toxic freakouts.

White House spokesman Sean Spicer said Tuesday the White House is trying to find out whether the White House ordered the leaks sealed, and is hoping the answer will leak from the White House.

Spicer’s remarks about leaks that it was trying to seal previous leaks was followed on Wednesday by another leak saying that the White House was trying to cap EPA emissions of manmade climate-change information. There is a widespread consensus among scientists that increasing amounts of climate-change information in the atmosphere are changing public attitudes on climate change.

Reuters reported that the administration hopes to seal off all leaks and emissions of EPA climate-change information at any time.

more: Reuters