State of New Jersey Closed for Private Event

The state of New Jersey on Tuesday reached a budget compromise allowing the state’s facilities to open, after still-Gov. Chris Christie (R-NJ) posted a sign on Friday explaining that the state was closed for a private event.

The state government shutdown came after Christie insisted on funding services for opioid addicts with money taken from an insurance fund for other sick people.

Thousands of residents had made reservations at the state’s parks and beaches for Fourth of July weekend, but due to complex legislative battles, Christie announced, “Fuck ’em.” State police were on hand this weekend, however, to cater to Christie and his guests as they enjoyed the use of a state beach and government residence at Island Beach State Park.

The park is accessible via a canceled tunnel built with federal funds and a bridge jammed with traffic to drive home a petty political point.

In a related story, the mainstream media threw a parade for itself over a photo taken by local reporters:

The parade was followed by a funeral to mourn their own martyrdom over a video tweeted out by the fucking president:

The media wrapped up the self-congratulatory weekend by ignoring a story surfaced by the right-wing Judicial Watch about the actual substance–and possible corruption–behind the state’s budget standoff.