Possible Loss of Insurance for 32 Million Sparks Panic Among Insurance Execs Worth More than $32 Million

The Congressional Budget Office on Tuesday released a report estimating that last year’s ObamaCare repeal bill, if signed into law by Pres. Donald Fucking Trump, would leave 32 million fewer people insured by 2026. Although insurance premiums would double in the same time, health-care analysts say the loss of insurance for 32 million people could still prove devastating to the millionaires who run the insurance industry.

The bill would strip away ObamaCare’s budgetary provisions, such as personal financial penalties for lacking insurance, and subsidies to make insurance affordable, all of which threaten to leave insurance companies impoverished or at death’s door. In the meantime, insurance companies would still be crippled by ObamaCare mandates such as letting sick people buy insurance if they can afford the vig.

One insurance company executive whose personal plan includes sodium pentothal on demand told The Fucking News, “I’ll tell you about pre-existing conditions. Y’know what’s a pre-existing condition? My ex-wives’ fuckin’ alimony, that’s what. Serious as a heart attack related to untreated stress brought on by not being able to afford the health insurance I sell.”

Congressional Republicans responded to the report Tuesday with assurances that the government would never allow the loss of 32 million customers to endanger the health or financial stability of America’s health-insurance companies, and pledged to ensure their survival with a broad, government plan to provide them with full, unconditional coverage.