Pacific Nations Replacing Broken U.S. Trade Deal with One Made in China

Pres. Donald Fucking Trump on Monday dropped the Trans Pacific Partnership deal, shattering it into twelve pieces, which China immediately picked up and began re-assembling faster and cheaper.

America, the world’s number-one economic superpower last week, withdrew from the talks Monday with the signing of an executive order by Pres. Trump, who is still president somehow. The order not only killed the admittedly shittily corporatist TPP, but also blocked any U.S. participation in talks to craft a better deal for America. Trump opposed the TPP for helping China, which it did not.

The devastating impact on China of Trump’s withdrawal from the TPP was immediately reflected in American media headlines:

Okay, well, at least newspapers in actual Pacific Rim countries, like the Sydney Morning Herald, understood what a crushing blow Trump had dealt China:

As Trump was signing his order in Washington, Chinese officials attending the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, explained how they planned to recover from Trump’s deft maneuver. “If anyone were to say China is playing a leadership role in the world, I would say it’s not China rushing to the front but rather the front-runners have stepped back, leaving the place to China,” said the director of international economics for China’s Foreign Ministry, Zhang Jun, adding exclusively to The Fucking News, “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, Zhesus, I just zharted myself.”

In fact, China is already pushing the 16-nation Regional Comprehensive Economic Partnership which excludes both the United States and protections for workers and the environment.

While China’s Pacific trade deal is already in the design stages, Trump on Monday assured Americans that the U.S. will now “begin pursuing, wherever possible,” one-on-one talks with Pacific nations to ensure that the U.S. will still have open markets for its products there. Trump’s order directed the U.S. Trade Representative to begin pursuing those talks wherever possible, as soon as he exists, which he does not.

Once the U.S. Trade Representative does exist, he will be able to begin pursuing those talks wherever possible with the full support of the entire Trump trade-team leadership, listed here in this actual fucking screengrab from the actual fucking USTR website:

Make Asia Great Again, senior counselor to the USTR Timothy Reif!