Oceans 3,499,999,992: Eclectic Group Learns Location of Stolen Funds, Plots Heist To Retrieve Them

The charity Oxfam reported Monday that eight individual men hold the same wealth as the poorest half of humanity, an estimated total of $532 billion. The eight men are listed here along with their estimated assets in US dollars and their estimated holdings of shame for fiscal year 2015.

  • Bill Gates – $75 billion, 0
  • Amancio Ortego – $67 billion, 0
  • Warren Buffet – $60 billion, 0
  • Carlos Slim – $50 billion, 0
  • Jeff Bezos – $45 billion, 0
  • Mark Zuckerberg – $45 billion, 0
  • Larry Ellison – $44 billion, 0
  • Michael Bloomberg – $40 billion, 0

Once word got out about who has the money, The Fucking News has learned, its original owners began assembling a motley crew of 3,499,999,992 to get it back by pulling off the greatest heist in history

Members of the ad hoc crew boast a wide range of specialties, including combat skills for fighting over water, foraging for garbage, and rapid attachment of fun cat decals to more than 100 smartphone cases in under a minute.

The complex plan, timed down to the last minute, involves digging through miles of socio-political norms and detonating tons of bullshit journalism.

more: HuffPoSkyNews