New Tipping Point Makes Wall Street ‘Worse Than Marxism,’ Says Wall Street

Wall Street reached a tipping point last year that Wall Street analysts had warned would render the U.S. economy “worse than Marxism,” according to the leftie-pinko bloggers at Bloomberg News.

Bloomberg reported yesterday that Wall Street, the toxic beating heart of the most powerful economy in the world, is no longer driven by trades of individual stocks–the things of which a “stock” market is supposed to be a market of. That’s according to data from Credit Suisse, which is considered an expert regarding Wall Street due to its own history as a convicted felon.

The tipping point Wall Street reached last year was that only three of the top-traded securities were individual stocks. As of 2016, Wall Street’s most-traded securities are now ETFs, the acronym used interchangeably for either Exchange-Traded Funds or Elite Trading Fucktards.

Uh, sidebar, your honor?

Seriously, WTF is an ETF?
Short Answer: No fucking idea.
Bullshitting for Time Answer: Exchange-Traded Funds are shit that Wall Street made up to sell since it doesn’t make real shit to sell. They’re bets. But instead of being a bet on a company–based, for instance, on its CEO not being a turd-flinging berserker–ETFs are bets on groups of things. An ETF might lose or gain value based on, say, the share price of all the silicon-chip manufacturers in Somalia, or based on what happens to the collective price of a batch of commodities such as soybeans, sorghum, and sodium pentothal. For all we know, an ETF can even be based on the value of other ETFs including its own fucking sel…fuck, some Goldman Sachs asshole just stole our idea! ANYWAY, think massive circle-jerk and you’re on the right track.
Whatever ETFs Are, Why Are ETFs Effed Up, Grampa?
We want people to bet on things that rise and fall in value based on shit that matters, like whether your silicon chips think 2+2=4. But what if one Somali company’s chips say 2+2=pleasehelp? If that stock is traded individually, the company dies, just like most of its employees. If its stock rises as part of an ETF that encompasses all Somali chip-makers, those pleasehelp chips find their way into our cellphones, airplanes, and Somalia-bound drones. ETFs do what Wall Street exists to do, sever us from the actual value of real things–such as human labor, creativity, buildings, that stapler, a hat, and other stuff–so that it can insert its Taibbian sucking snout into everything and extract real money from our bets on made-up shit.

In August of 2016, analysts at Sanford C. Bernstein wrote a paper–“The Silent Road to Serfdom: Why Passive Investing is Worse Than Marxism”–that said ETFs suck because ETFs don’t direct money where it will do good, namely, companies that exhibit traits suggesting positive future performance. Which is what a capitalist stock market is supposed to do.

Marxism also tries to direct society’s money with a purpose. So, the paper concludes, ETFs represent a system that doesn’t serve any purpose–capitalist OR Marxist–and therefore sucks worse than both.

But what happens when money is directed without purpose? See if any of these sound familiar:

  • Money doesn’t make its way to corporate executives that actually earn it
  • Company stocks rise for no reason, lifting the salaries of executives who don’t actually deserve it but have pay packages tied to stock performance
  • Money doesn’t make its way to companies that need it to hire people, thereby lifting wages and the standard of living
And that’s where we are today! Only now, we also have a looming president-fucking-elect who’s about to take the flimsy leash off Wall Street and let it start making up even more index-traded-funds that derive value from exchange-traded-funds that derive value from index-trade–FUCK YOU, Goldman Sachs asshole! Stop stealing our ideas!

And, by the way, on some level Trump knows that corporate pay is fucked up. He bitched about it early in the campaign, but no one noticed because he wasn’t running around on all fours with his schlong out at the time.

On Tuesday, the global fucking head of fucking investment for Goldman fucking Sachs wrote that corporate boards assessing executive performance “may want to put greater emphasis on broader assessments [than stock price]…such as cash returns on cash invested.”

Hear that? Shit has gotten so real that GFuckingS says maybe corporate assholes ought to be paid based on much money their companies make. Fuckin’ Occupy hippies! When the global economy crashes for real this time, we’ll remember that you tried to warn us, valiant GFuckingS!

(And a big 2017 hello to all the survivors in 2043 reading this after the restoration of the internet and basic utilities!)