Mattis Admires NATO’s Plate-Glass Window, Flammable Merchandise

Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis told a meeting of NATO defense ministers in Brussels on Wednesday that their nations must use more of their people’s money to buy weapons. For protection.

“This is a nice little treaty organization you got here,” Mattis said, according to a fictional transcript obtained by TFN. “Shame if something Putined to it.”

Mattis explained that Europe can no longer lag in its financial contributions to NATO, because Pres. Trump has promised that America’s military spending is about to increase dramati–wait, what?

“No longer can the American taxpayer carry a disproportionate share of the defense of Western values,” Mattis lectured the continent that lost tens of millions more people in two world wars than America did. “Americans cannot care more for your children’s future security than you do,” he actually fucking added as if America’s hysterical fears for the children it only cares about to justify its fears hadn’t motivated exactly the kind of militarism that makes America’s children the target of so much fucking hatred.

Mattis cited Russia’s recent incursion into Crimea, but did not mention Russia’s recent incursion into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Despite Mattis’s claim that American taxpayers can no longer pay a disproportionate share, that is exactly Trump’s plan.

NATO members are \being asked to spend 2% of GDP on guns and other people-killers, which just happen to be available for purchase here in America. America itself last year spent 3.61% of its GDP on guns and people-killers, not counting those purchased for use at home or in schools.

However, Pres. Fucking Trump is promising to ramp up that percentage–making America’s share even disproportionater–both by spending a shit-kilo-ton more money on military weapons and by lowering the GDP violently with the imminent Trump Depression.

more: AP