Manhunt On for Con Men Who Promised Trump Millions of Jobs

Officials are searching frantically for an unidentified group of con artists who promised Pres. Donald Fucking Trump and National Economic Council Director Gary Cohn that they would create millions of American jobs if Trump left a brown paper bag filled with thousands of unmarked-up tax cuts and deregulatory bills behind the monkey house at the zoo.

Trump on Friday said that unnamed “friends” told him that they would create jobs if he deregulated Wall Street. Cohn that day said, “We’ve been told we need deregulation to grow jobs in this country.” He did not say if he got a good look at whoever issued the demands.

Both men have been fuzzy in their recollections about the anonymous forces behind this cruel hoax, which is often targeted at elderly, White House men who can become gullible and easily confused.

The scam is an old one, and could have been easily debunked if either man had bothered to check it out. The claim that businesses need looser credit from the banks to create jobs, for instance, is easily debunked by lending statistics, which show loan activity at near record-high volumes.

“This particular house seems to get targeted A LOT,” one law-enforcement source told TFN. “Maybe it’s because it’s so fucking white. But any time an old, white guy moves in, wham, the scammers know it.”

In fact, the last old, white resident of the White House, George W. Bush, also fell for the scam, planning a profit-repatriation tax holiday during which corporations got in, took all the tax breaks, and left without creating any jobs.

Bill Clinton later relayed the words Bush used to describe the scam: “’I’d never fool with it again. They gave me all these promises about, we’d sign a one-time, 5¾% repatriation tax, they’d put the rest of it into jobs and pay raises.” And all it went into was management pay and stock buybacks. And [Bush] said, ‘I’m done with it.’ It was really a touching conversation. He really felt personally burned by his constituents.”

Bush, however, apparently was unable to identify which constituents burned him. “It was dark,” he said.

Now Trump and his team apparently have been led to believe that if they offer up tax cuts—and deregulation—that will liberate both a boom in manufacturing and a larger spurt in job creation. Twenty-five million jobs over ten years, Trump has said.

Friday’s jobs report was, according to Really White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, due to “confidence” in the policies the Trump Adminisylum plans to enact.

But that confidence is already starting to wane.

Whatever advantages corporations might gain from deregulation and tax cuts, they’re starting to fear will be canceled out by the losses they suffer from Trump’s protectionism and inability to run the fucking country.

Some companies are even considering joining the scam, to fool Trump into thinking they’re creating jobs. A recent Politico report explained how:

“Companies say they are privately laying their own groundwork for the first 100 days of the Trump presidency. They’re retooling their public relations messaging [italics added for bullshit] on job creation and a crisis communication strategy, lest Trump call them out on Twitter.”

The con artists appear to be acting in groups, with some front organizations helping to push the demand that tax cuts and deregulation must happen before they will unleash job creation. Companies that belong to these groups, however, offer very different stories when talking to Wall Street analysts.

As The Intercept reported, those earnings calls are rife with talk about how much money companies expect to have on hand. And virtually no mention of the people they’re going to hire.

It turns out, the loot from their scam will be used to enrich the scammers, boosting corporate compensation by raising the company’s value through stock buybacks and dividend payments. Most of the loot, however, will be used to rob America of more jobs, in several ways:

  • Investing in mergers and acquisitions, which kill jobs
  • Investing in expansion overseas, which competes with American companies
  • Investing in outsourcing or offshoring, which kill jobs
  • Literally using the money to buy robots, which kill jobs and then evolve into SkyNet
more: APBloomberg, Slate