Kim Jong Un, Trump Zero

U.S. officials said Tuesday that North Korea for the first time had successfully tested an intercontinental ballistic missile (ICBM), leading international observers to proclaim “ICBM” in U.S. officials’ pants.

The Wall Street Journal editorial board–which has been patiently awaiting a new full-blown war for years now–quickly endorsed regime change in its shorts.

The latest round of militaristic panic came after North Korean President Kim Jong Un on Monday fired a test missile that was said to have traveled 580 miles. The missile fell harmlessly into open seas, but also hit multiple tiny targets 10,000 miles away; specifically, striking fear into the hearts of irrational man-babies in Washington, DC.

North Korea claims the rocket can carry a nuclear payload, rocking Washington on Monday with a 150 kilostupid blast. The missile’s trajectory and range led ballistics experts to conclude that North Korea is now within striking distance of Alaska.

Computer simulations have estimated that a direct strike of that magnitude¬†on Alaska would be capable of killing up to 100,000 people and increasing America’s average IQ by 2.5% in a single, blinding instant.

Monday’s test-firing gave off a powerful electromagnetic pulse, disrupting bioelectric synaptic communications throughout Washington and in multiple TV news studios scattered across midtown Manhattan, eradicating virtually any trace of having learned one fucking thing from the grotesque cheerleading for the invasion of Iraq.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson on Tuesday declared, “We will never accept a nuclear-armed North Korea,” adding, “Isn’t that right, Pakistan?”

more: AP, HuffPo