House of Czars: Obama Vows Retaliation Against Russia for Illegally Enabling America To Act Like America

In an interview airing today on NPR, Pres. Obama said the U.S. will retaliate against Russia for its attempt to influence the outcome of the U.S. presidential election. Obama did not say when the U.S. will take action, or what it will do, but The Fucking News has learned that the primary measure under consideration to punish Russia will be carried out on January 20, when the U.S. will allow Donald Trump to become president of itself. Themove is a risky one for Obama, as a clear violation of international treaty and common sense.

Giving Trump the White House is expected to do incalculable harm to Russia, its allies, its frienemies, people named “Russ,” and the planet where Russia is.

When any foreign government tries to impact the integrity of our elections … we need to take action,” Obama said to NPR. He added to the NPR of our dreams, “Imagine if a House committee had tried to impact the integrity of our elections by getting into a candidate’s emails and then bragged about how effective it was at hurting her, only to wait until right after the election to shut the committee down without even alleging that she did anything wrong. Imagine the outrage. You wouldn’t see the Democratic establishment accept that shit.”

Russia’s illegal attempt to sway the election by disseminating Democratic National Committee emails showing a clear pattern of political lawfulness is estimated to have done almost 1/1000th the damage House Republicans did by swaying the election legally with the dissemination of State Department emails showing a clear pattern of government lawfulness. 

America’s involvement in the giving-a-shit-about-emails is punishable by a sentence of four to eight years in Hell.