Goldman Sachs Enters New Year Boasting About New Advances in Age Discrimination

The workforce of President-elect Goldman Sachs is almost 70% millennials, according to the company itself, Quartz reports.

Edith Cooper, Goldman Sachs global head of human capital management, fan of homo-sapien resource extraction and avid soylent green gourmand, disclosed that statistic in a LinkedIn post that was intended to be a cheery, uplifting piece but came out as a terrifying, dystopic, YA novel, due to its lack of an experienced, seasoned editor over the age of 36.

A Goldman Sachs spokestween could not explain why the company that has pioneered strip-mining American retirement is now pushing its own workers into the resulting radioactive wasteland populated by homeless olds and zombie Wal-Mart greeters. However, demographic calculations by The Fucking News reveal that if Goldman Sachs continues deploying the younger generation to strip olds of resources, by the time today’s youngs are olds, those former youngs will believe that even they aren’t supposed to have jobs or retirement when they’re an old.

Cooper wrote, “our firm is passing into the hands of a new generation, with different expectations for work [italics added for terror].”

Referring to their estimated 24,000 millennials out of a total 34,900 employees, Cooper wrote, “That number will only increase as the years go by.” The Fucking News has learned, however, that Cooper is wrong, and that the number of millennials will eventually decrease, because the millennials who have been taught that retirement is a myth will be replaced by post-millennials taught to accept that living past 40 is a myth who will be replaced by computers who will be replaced by vast abacus work farms.

more: Quartz (h/t WonkWire)