The Fucking News
has obtained an exclusive, draft copy of a secret list that Really White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has promised to provide of attacks and attempted attacks on America.
Spicer made his promise after Pres. Donald Fucking Trump on Monday told members of the U.S. military that such attacks are “not even being reported” because the American news media “doesn’t want to report” terrorist attacks.
“They have their reasons, and you understand that,” he added, like a dick.
Challenged by reporters to identify what the fuck Fucking Trump was talking about, Spicer slid quietly into the claim that Trump was also referring to “under-reported” attacks, which we fucking guarantee you will include random beheadings in the Philippines and shit like that.
However, TFN has exclusively obtained a list of actual attacks, and plots, against America, that really have been virtually ignored by TV news. Some of the worst attacks included on the list are:
A network of operatives has already figured out how to poison America’s water systems with arsenic, mercury, and selenium obtained from coal mines. The poisons will be injected into America’s water supply as soon as Pres. Fucking Trump signs off on deregulating coal-mining runoff.
Other terrorist operatives are even now forming virtual pipelines of actual pipelines to funnel fossil-fuel poisons that will slowly seep into surrounding water tables and then into people.
An estimated 180,000 tons of methane will be pumped into America’s air supply by radical capitalist extremists, with wanton disregard for human life. In addition to degrading the atmospheric shields that protect America and other Earth places from radiation attacks by the sun, the gaseous chemical weapon will lead to unknown numbers of asthma attacks and also deaths, while creating no jobs.
A tiny cell of extremists has been arming millions of “Americans,” including some who are likely to become radicalized lone wolves and take their weapons into schools after receiving messages from stupid fucking shitheads claiming there are grizzly bears in our schools.
Destruction of Property
A small group of wealthy, foreign-from-reality businessmen are backing efforts to blow up the already flimsy barriers currently protecting America from another credit crisis. If the barriers don’t hold, tens of thousands of Americans could once again lose their homes to this terrorist onslaught.
“Getting Rid Of” America’s First Responders
Politico reports there has been an increase in chatter
about taking out Richard Cordray, head of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. Cordray, of course, leads the brave servicemembers of the CFPB into battle every day on the front lines against the terrorists targeting America’s national interests, such as our fucking money. An unnamed intel source close to the Trump Adminisylum told Politico, “There has been talk of getting rid of Cordray.”
For his own protection, Cordray has been put under 24-hour protection by Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA).
Update: The Really White House Monday night released its final draft of the list, which obviously proves Pres. Fucking Trump was wrong, but also omits the tragic Bowling Green Massacre, drawing complaints from millions of the survivors and family members of the victims.