Education Secretary Confirmation Hearing Reveals, “We Are Not DeVos”

The ironically named “Senate Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee” heard the unheard of Tuesday as Secretary of education nominee Betsy DeVos did her best to channel the already dead parts of Harriet Miers’ brain in front of a rapt audience full of corporate servants even less qualified than she is.

Before we get on to the hearing, here’s a little background on the President-Defect’s choice to advise him on all things educational in our fucked-up country (she’d be 15th in the presidential line of succession so don’t get your hopes up on his cabinet contracting Ebola or even spelling it correctly).

Betsy DeVos, the daughter of a billionaire (see a pattern here?), is a devotee of the lovable Calvinist theologian Abraham Kuyper.

Perhaps his most impacting legacy was a charming little thing called “Afrikaner Calvinism” in South Africa, a far-off land full of unclaimed slaves and future wall decor for the Trump boys, “Ipso” and “Facto.”

“Afrikaner Calvinism” later became known as “Apartheid” or as many Republicans now refer to it: “The Good ‘Ol Days.” Great story if it ends there, right? But wait, there’s more.

Kuyper’s son was a professor! But not the good kind. He loved Apartheid soooo much he went and became a wartime Nazi collaborator. And HIS son, apparently taken with the joyful noise of white Jesus, ran off to join the circus, then known as the “Waffen SS.” He later died hilariously on the Russian front. So there’s that.

Today DeVos describes herself as a “reformed Christian,” meaning she believes Jesus gave food to the poor and starving, but only if they could prove they weren’t trading it for drugs and fireworks.

Now, fellow NewsFuckers, you might be asking, “She’s not responsible for any of that, that’s ridiculous, you’re going to deny her confirmation based on a past she never had a part in, based on the racist rantings of the founder of her religion?” To which, in all honesty, we here at The Fucking News must answer: “Why the fuck not?”

Now on to her disgusting immediate family:

Her husband, Dick Marvin DeVos (please, no jokes about the name), is heir to the Amway fortune. That’s right, Betsy DeVos is the daughter-in-law of the co-founder of Amway, an even bigger pyramid scheme than Christianity. And to top it off her brother is the founder of Blackwater.  Amway, Jesus, and Blackwater: The three horsemen of the afuckalypse.

Add to this DeVos’s unsurprising belief that public education is an “industry” and should be privatized. Y’know, like the time Bill Clinton privatized prisons and helped bring back slave labor. So that’s an education.

Which brings us to Tuesday’s hearing. When asked whether guns should be in schools, DeVos refused to definitively say “no.” Whereupon all five million members of the NRA collectively splooged out their 2-inch barrels onto a Jefferson Davis dildo. She then went off on some predictably weird tangent about grizzly bears invading high schools. The rest of the hearing doesn’t matter: She could have cured cancer on the spot and her nomination would still deserve getting chucked into a dumpster faster than a baby on prom night.

In short, DeVos’s confirmation hearing confirmed she has no qualifications whatsoever. In fact, she has negative qualifications. For everything. So I guess what we’re saying is, “Meet your new Secretary of Education and kiss goodbye to your big, fat children coming home with anything other than a big, fat ‘F’ and diphtheria on their report cards.”

more: NBC