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Mostly United, States of America Celebrate America’s Independence by Declaring Independence from America

As of Tuesday night, 44 states had responded to Pres. Donald Fucking Trump’s commission on voting integrity’s request for information about all their registered voters with some form of rejection, including regional variations, such as New York’s “Go fuck yourself.”

Six other states have either suggested they will comply, are still considering the request, or still can’t fucking believe Donald Fucking Trump is fucking president.

The president’s commission on voting had requested not just public information, such as the names of registered voters and the years in which they voted, but also private data such as Social Security numbers, mother’s maiden name, and who they voted for.

If all 50 states reject the administration’s request, the group could decide to secede from the country and form a new country, which would unite all 50 states of America.

Some states expressed concern that the commission’s purpose was to validate the bullshit notion that hordes of people are voting illegally, fearing that this might be exactly ifuckingdentical to when the last Republican president tried the same fucking shit in order to justify tightening restrictions on legal voters to make it harder for them to vote for Democrats.

The Trump Adminifuckingstration tried to ally those concerns by having the Justice Department send the states a letter asking them to outline their voter-registration procedures, so that they can be ended.

more: CNNBloomberg
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Russian Invasion of Facts Completely Overwhelms Defenders of Other Important News

After months of testing the flimsy defenses of American interest in other important news with relatively minor border incursions, a vast army of Russia-related news stormed the borders on Thursday with a massive assault that will likely not be turned back for months.

It began with the pre-dawn strike of news that Attorney General Jeff Sessions actually had met with Russia’s ambassador–despite having testified under oath that he hadn’t met with any Russians ever, never saw “From Russia with Love,” and has no idea what Russian dressing is even supposed to taste like.

Y’know how sometimes you forget where you put your car keys, or the fact you had multiple conversations with Russian officials while Russia was being sanctioned by your government for its aggressions right in NATO’s backyard? Well, that’s what happened to him.

The assault continued with multiple Really White House denials that Sessions had perjured himself and/or that perjury was no big deal because who cares. Fucking Trump, the commander-in-chef himself, took to the battlefield when he said he “wasn’t aware” of Sessions’ meetings and dismissed the questions and calls for inquiries as “a total vitch hunt.”

Then came the blitz–as Sessions held a news conference and announced he would recuse himself from any current or future investigations into Russia’s connections with the Trump campaign.

Throughout the day, opponents of the Russia story launched volley after volley in the hopes of breaking through with the kind of story they want to see get covered over the next however many months. All the stories in today’s Quickies died the moment they poked their head out of the trenches. They couldn’t break through with the confirmation of baby-splitting doctor Ben Carson as Housing and Urban Development secretary.

They even went nuclear, dropping the metaphorical atomic bomb that Rick Perry had been confirmed as the man in charge of our literal atomic bombs. Even the vice president put on his combat boots and took up arms with the revelation that he–who attacked Hillary Clinton for using a private email server–got hacked because he was using AOL, or Prodigy, or CompuServe for all we know.

The vice president of the United States got hackedAND WAS USING AOL…and even THAT didn’t matter! Somebody was secretly reading the emails of WhiteHairedHottie629 and NOBODY CARED! Mike Pence went down fighting because none of it mattered–nothing could break the wave of Russia-related news.

Mike Flynn met with the Russian ambassador at Trump Tower.

Jared Fucking Kushner ALSO met with the Russian ambassador at Trump Tower.

Democrats accused the FBI director of holding out on information about their investigation.

Sessions attended the convention where he met the Russian ambassador using campaign money, despite claiming he was there in his capacity as a senator.

Sessions said the Really White House knew he was going to recuse himself when they said he shouldn’t.

Sessions’ recusal left the matter to his deputy attorney general, of whom there is none (aside from an acting a.g.), meaning Sessions should now recuse himself from picking whoever’s going to handle all this shit he’s recusing himself from.

Sessions said the Really White House didn’t understand the rules and ethical issues surrounding recusal…on the same fucking day we learned the Really White House decided to skip the class on rules and ethics.

One of Trump’s not-yet-fired national security advisers contradicted Trump’s past claim he was not involved in softening the Republican platform position on Ukraine by claiming that Trump ordered it.

All of these assaults on America’s ability to focus on other shit came in just one, single, insane, eye-bleeding, brain-pretzeling, 24-hour period.

By sundown, the battlefield was littered with the bodies of the dead stories, with unknown legions of additional Russian revelations standing in reserve, massed on the border of our attention spans. Dasvidaniya, any other news ever.

Correction: Earlier in this article we referred to Jeff Sessions as “Attorney General Jeff Sessions.” We should have referred to him as “current Attorney General Jeff Sessions.” The Fucking News regrets the error, but not half as much as Sessions does.

more: Guardian
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Trump Vows Crackdown on anti-Semitism, anti-anti-Semitism, and Semitism

Pres. Donald Fucking Trump on Tuesday embraced a Newtonian approach to the recent wave of hate crimes targeting Jewish people and institutions, hypothesizing that for every act of anti-Semitism there is an equal and opposite anti-anti-Semitism.

In his address to the nation, Fucking Trump referred to recent incidents targeting Jewish community centers and cemeteries and explained that hate and evil are bad. Earlier in the day, meeting with state attorneys general, he for reals suggested that anti-Semitic acts aren’t alwyas the work of anti-Semitic people, saying, “Sometimes it’s the reverse, to make people, or to make others, look bad.” A top Trump adviser also on Tuesday suggested that those responsible could be anyone, even people who love Jews, such as Democrats.

Reverse anti-Semitism, also known as anti-anti-Semitism, Semitism, or pro-Semitism, is a poorly understood phenomenon in which Jewish community centers spraypaint swastikas on passersby, headstones at Jewish cemeteries knock down mourners and visitors, and Jewish schools call neo-Nazi sympathizers and threaten to come to their homes and teach them Yiddish.

To ensure that the Trump Adminisylum is doing everythng it can to combat Semitism in all its forms, anti- and otherwise, Really White House officials are actually fucking considering cuts to the State Dept. budget–because you know how they are with money–that would include a final solution for America’s envoy on anti-Semitism, eliminating the position along with envoys for other mongrel races and undesireables to save money.

more: JPost, Slate
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Elite Sean Spicer Unit Mounts Daring Commando Raid on Sean Spicer’s Credibility

An elite team of Really White House Press Secremaybe Sean Spicer on Monday carried out a daring, post-dawn raid on multiple strategic targets surrounding the credibility of Sean Spicer. Spicer launched the bold assault to defend Pres. Fucking Trump’s half-assed decision-making based on half-baked intelligence to launch a SEAL team raid in Yemen during his first week in office.

The raid produced multiple American casualties–including two fatalities; a Navy SEAL and an 8-year-old civilian girl–and killed a shit-load of local people who were on a list of known local people. On Monday, Spicer was able to take out Spicer’s credibility with a single shot, saying that electronic equipment seized in the raid “was successful in helping prevent a future attack or attacks on this nation.”

Spicer’s claim that Fucking Trump has somehow already prevented a future attack or attacks without anyone knowing about it left Spicer’s credibility mortality wounded and unable to be rescued due to a violent crossfire of both contradictory facts and fucking logic.

For one thing, Spicer offered no detail on one attack or more than one attack, nor did he specify how it and/or they were prevented, or whether anyone or anyseveral were captured and/or arrested and/or killed in the process of preventing a future attack or attacks on this nation. For another fucking thing, Spicer’s mortally wounded credibility was fatally finished off Monday night when NBC News reported that senior officials say there has been no sign of significant intelligence resulting from the Yemen raid.

The Fucking News has learned that the Spicer raid also was unable to find any signs of intelligence whatsoever. Trump officials, however, said that to denigrate the raid on Spicer’s credibility was to denigrate those who contributed to the mission. “Spicer’s credibility died a hero, in service of this president’s vow to protect his own sense of not having killed a Navy SEAL.”

more: TPM, NBC
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Trump Budget To Do for America What He Did for His Businesses: Bankrupt It 

In a major speech by a major asshole Tuesday night, Pres. Fucking Trump will address a joint session of Congress to lay out details of the preliminary budget proposals he made on Monday, which would put America on the same path he has taken his businesses: Down a trailer-park shithole.

Fucking Trump’s plan calls for cutting $54 billion from agencies such as the State Department and the Environmental Protection Agency. Congressional Republicans Monday night said they were unhappy that the plan does not call for cutting Medicaid, Medicare, and Social Security benefits, which they are hoping to present as a fun surprise to Trump’s voters.

However, military analysts say that cutting funds from the EPA will make it easier to defend America, since there would be less American land worth defending after more rivers and marshlands and nice places are Trumped into piles of toxic corporate detritus and vile, poisonous shit.

Additionally, gutting America’s diplomatic efforts would be made up for by spending $54 billion above current legal spending caps on the military, which will need the extra weaponry to handle the consequences of gutting diplomatic efforts.

News that Fucking Trump plans to cut domestic spending in order to expand the military came on the same day as reports of a new, draft plan for fighting ISIS that calls for increasing the number of American soldiers dying in Iraq and elsewhere in the Middle East. Historians will recall that spending trillions of dollars on military bullshit in the Middle East instead of on our own country is exactly what Fucking Trump campaigned on not doing back in 2016.

Fucking Trump’s plan to spend more money on guns also came on the same day that the U.S. military began another wave of cutbacks in services to America’s men and women in uniform due to Fucking Trump’s hiring freeze. The plan to emulate Pres. George W. Bush’s career arc in the Middle East also also came on the same day yet another Bush fatality was buried.

Air National Guard veteran Annie Muller served in Iraq–right next to burn pits spewing clouds of chemicals even more toxic and dangerous than the new Trump budget. Muller died one week ago of pancreatic cancer that she blamed on exposure to the burn pits.

Muller is survived by three children and a president dedicated to making their lives even shittier. She was 36 years old.

more: HuffPoReuters
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White House Gasps in Horror at Realization That The Calls Are Coming…from INSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE!

The Trump Adminisylum is cracking down to ensure there are no more leaks from anonymous sources inside the White House, according to leaks from anonymous sources inside the White House.

The report of the crackdown by Really White House Press Secremaybe Sean Spicer was published by Politico on Sunday at 11:55am, ten minutes after Spicer warned his staff not to leak information any more, especially about the 11:45am crackdown. An anonymous source close to Spicer said to The Fucking News on Sunday, “Sean’s really angry. He’s yelling at us about the leaks right now. Hold on, I’ll put it on speaker so you can hear. Pissed, right? So funny. Hey, did I already gave you his email password? Shit, hold on, the New York Times just texted me back. Gotta go!”

Other sources suggested that Spicer was giving individuals specific information to make leaks traceable after the fact. “Sean pulled only one person aside beforehand and told them that no one else knew he was going to do this and that they shouldn’t tell anyone,” according one unnamed source who heard Spicer’s remarks directly as a result of Spicer talking to him at the time.

Furthermore, Spicer also warned Really White House staff that they are violating federal record-keeping laws by using apps that delete their texts automatically, according to a text received by TFN that deleted automatically.

One Really White House source told Politico that Deputy Communications Director Jessica Ditto cried at a meeting in which Spicer criticized her work. Spicer then actually fucking told Politico that, “The only time Jessica recalls almost getting emotional is when we had to relay the information on the death of Chief Ryan Owens,” Almost.

Fortunately, she was spared from actually getting emotional when she remembered that who gives a shit about Chief Ryan Owens, because the Yemen raid was a success and anyone who says it wasn’t didn’t die as a result of it.

more: Politico
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Democrats Vow to Learn Mistakes of the Past in Order to Keep Repeating Them

Determined to avoid in the 2018 and 2020 elections the mistakes that cost them so dearly in the 2010, 2014, and 2016 elections, the Democratic Party will meet on Saturday to hold their own elections and repeat those mistakes in 2017.

On Saturday, the Democrats pick their new party chairman–with Rep. Keith Ellison (D-MN) and former Obama Labor Secretary Tom Perez the clear front-runners. Although Ellison has some establishment backing, he is also the favorite of Sanders supporters, while Perez has the backing of many in the Obama and Clinton camps.

Observers watching Saturday’s election say it’s currently a toss-up whether Democratic leadership will repeat the mistake of going with an establishment candidate likely to repeat the party leadership’s mistakes of the past, or whether the loser’s supporters will repeat the mistake of disengaging rather than using their energy and resources to move the party and its leadership toward them because why even bother, dude, the party is obviously corrupt and will remain corrupt for all of eternity no matter what external events happen because people never succeed at changing anything, man!

more: HuffPo, Hill
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Delays Cause Two-Year Backup on the Road to the Trump Interstate Infrastructure Plan

Drivers trying to get onto the new roads and bridges Pres. Fucking Trump promised will be stuck on the entrance ramp for about two years, according to the latest traffic reports out of Washington.

Although the promise to spend a trillion dollars on new and repaired infrastructure helped drive Trump all the way to the Really White House, various construction projects, collisions, and other priorities cutting in front of infrastructure reportedly have slowed it down so much that now Republicans think it won’t be until the summer of 2018 until it gets off the entry ramp, let alone into the fast lane.

Among the problems: Construction delays on building the new tax plan that’s supposed to lower corporate taxes while also raising new border taxes; and the dramatic collision of ObamaCare repeal, which was traveling at a high rate of speed for the past seven years and trying to get into the passing lane, but suddenly jackknifed right into oncoming reality. At least 20 million passengers are expected to be released without treatment.

One entire lane has been backed up for ten months now, thanks to a slow-speed chase involving a stolen Supreme Court one-seater.

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Team of Résumés

With less than a month on the job, Pres. Donald Fucking Trump has begun to question some of his first and most important hiring choices, because he’s an idiot but not a total idiot.

According to various reports from reporters talking to people who have every fucking reason in the world to lie—and work for a guy who does it every day—the list of staffers Fucking Trump has begun to second-guess, after failing to first-guess, includes National Job-Insecurity Adviser Michael Flynn, Temp of Staff Reince Priebus, Really White House Press Secremaybe Sean Spicer, and anyone else whose exploitation of others hasn’t made them millions of dollars.

The entire team of climate-change deniers is reportedly on thin ice. “These people are insecure because Trump does not respect them,” one source told Axios. “He does not because they have not made any money.”

Another said the staff has been putting out “400 fires a day,” a tough task for even the most skilled and seasoned arsonists. Trump reportedly has complained that his people have not given him good advice and did not have a legal team ready to defend his Muslim ban against charges that it’s a Muslim ban.

One Trump friend whose name we’re too lazy to look up told a journalistic outlet we couldn’t bother to find the link to in our notes, said for real, “He’s always…had strong people around him, and he’s in the process of figuring out who those people are.” Professionals in the human-resources field told TFN that screening job applicants post-hiring is preferable because it gives employers the best opportunity to see how the people they hired will fuck up their attempts to fuck up America.

Trump reportedly is reluctant to make changes soon, because that would widely be seen as an admission of failure. Trump’s admission that it would be seen as an admission of failure was widely seen as an admission of admission of failure.

Specifically, Trump thinks Flynn is “a problem,” complains about Spicer’s job performance, and has begun asking who might replace Priebus. A draft memo obtained exclusively by The Fucking News shows that Trump’s campaign team is considering a number of possible replacements for Priebus, including Prince Rebus, E. Pluribus, and Heinz Ketchup.

Already, Trump is said to be relying on people outside the three-week-old Really White House staff. “He needs to hear from voices outside the Beltway,” one fictional source told TFN. “He needs to get rid of all these Washington insiders, drain the swamp, and escape the Washington bubble. It’s time to Make the Trump Administration Great Again!”

In an exclusive interview Trump could’ve given with TFN because who knows what the fuck that guy’ll do, Trump said, “I promised America I would hire the best people. And when I replace the best people, I replace them with the best replacements. We will have so much transitioning, you will get sick of transitioning.”

Trump reportedly will have lunch this week with Gov. Chris Christie (R-NJ), who may be under consideration to join the Really White House to calm things down with his gentle touch and way with people.

Update: Late Monday night, Flynn was said to have Trump’s “full confidence,” shortly after which he accompanied Joe Pesci for his initiation to become a made man.
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Operators Standing By for Trump Ethics Complaints

Bringing the private-sector ethos of customer service to government, the House Oversight Committee has now added an automated phone tree for callers with information about the private-sector waste and corruption of the Trump Adminisylum. The phone tree was planted to accommodate the massive amounts of complaints coming in about the raging id inhabiting the Really White House.

Callers to the Oversight Committee are directed to “Press 1” if they want “to provide information or make an inquiry relating to President Donald Trump.”

The Fucking News has learned that the volume of calls about Trump and the Trump Cabinut is so high the committee plans to offer callers further options, as outlined in this excerpt from the new phone tree, exclusively obtained by TFN‘s imagination:

For English, press 1
For foreign entanglements, press 1
For Russian issues, press 1
For Deutsche Bank issues, please choose corruption from the main menu
If you have information that could prevent a bullshit war from starting, please hang up and call the New York Times. Wait, no, Washington Post. Shit. Fucking Tweet it.
For corruption, press 2
For organized crime, press 1
For anything not related to Wall Street, press 2
For tax evasion or undocumented workers, press 3
For domestic abuse or sexual misconduct, press 4
For sexual misconduct by the president, press 1
If you are a colleague of his, press 1
If you are a family member, press 2
To be transferred immediately to your on-call duty officer, say or enter on your keypad, “Ivanka”
For interference with your sex life or reproductive rights by the vice president, press
For all other complaints, press 5
Dlya Rossii, nazhmite knopku 2
Para espanol, oprima go fuck yourself
more: TPM