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Five Quickies

  1. The Census Bureau is weighing a request by the Justice Department to begin asking respondents about their citizenship status, a move which could simultaneously intimidate non-citizens and cut costs by gerrymandering the entire country in one fell swoop.
  2. Trump’s infrastructure plan is already ahead of schedule in running up costs, as the Providence Journal reports that the budget for an I-95 viaduct has soared in just one year to accommodate the vig required by privatization.
  3. The military today will begin recruiting transgender people to kill other people.
  4. The Trump Administration is rolling back regulations on offshore oil rigs such as the planned Deepwater VerizonTM in order to bring down gas prices and further destroy North Dakota’s economy.
  5. Puerto Rico announced this weekend that 55% of households and businesses now have electrical power and that the remaining 45% will have power restored by March or maybe May, depending on when emergency shipments of relief electricity arrive.
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In Memoriam – Norm

After a two-year battle with reality, Norm topped the list of celebrity deaths in 2017. Norm was one of the first modern-era celebrities known more for their fame than for actually accomplishing anything.

Norm maintained homes in New York and Washington, where he was toasted for decades as a pillar of society, despite having had a hand in misbegotten military adventures and devastating economic policies. Norm first rose to prominence claiming repeated abuses by organized labor and then by civil-rights activists. The court of public opinion eventually ruled in favor of both movements, however.

Norm is survived by a sprawling U.S. military presence around the globe. It died peacefully in bed surrounded by close pundits. The middle class sent a statement regretting that it was unable to attend a memorial service, as it, too, is dying.

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Your Daily Fucking Planner – July 5, 2017

9:30am — TFN readers recall that The Fucking News is still on hiatus and realize today’s edition is just a one-time thing thanks to the holiday fought for by our forefathers…in the unions…who secured our freedoms
9:20am— TFN readers recall that it wasn’t as funny as they remembered it
3pm — Emergency U.N. meeting requested by the U.S. to discuss North Korea’s scariness (see Today’s BFD)
4:30pm — U.N. non-meeting to not discuss the trenchant-ness of the fact the U.S. celebrated its funding cuts to U.N. peacekeeping just a week before requesting an emergency U.N. peacekeeping talkmeeting
(all times EDT because fuck the Heartland)

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Trump-Free Briefs

  • Canada reportedly will pay millions of dollars, albeit Canadian, to a former Guantanamo Bay detainee, to compensate him for the fact that nothing can compensate him for having been a Guantanamo Bay detainee.
  • The creator of that creepy Noah’s Ark theme park thing in Kentofcourseucky says attendance sucks ass and another ass of the opposite gender because free-market capitalism can’t make it without socialist infrastructure.
  • The Tennessee Valley Authority says repairs are under way so that the first American nuclear power plant built in the 21st century will be back up and running later this summer and that there are no radiological concerns, mostly because it’s not yet up and running.
  • Republican states are raising taxes because Grover Norquist ain’t shit.
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Word of the Day – Ihatus

ihatus
ighhay’tus (noun)
A temporary pause or suspension, especially as of a patriotic holiday weekend that allows reflection on how much one’s country is fucked up; also, a publishing break during which one’s utter contempt for one’s own writing grows to epic proportions.
Ex. “Wait, are you going to be publishing The Fucking News on a regular basis again now?”
“No. We’re still on ihatus.”

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Welcome, New NewsFuckers!

Hello!

We’re so glad you found us…we happen to be on hiatus at the moment, for reasons that you can probably guess based on the fact that your attention has just been brought to our humble little newsfucking newsletter, The Fucking News.

Although we’re on a publishing break at the moment, we urge you to sign up now so that once we are resurrected on The Final Day, we will rise and walk the Earth to your inbox just as God intended. (Signing up is easy…it’s obnoxiously all over the site).

In the meantime, if you want to get a better sense of what we’re all about, we highly recommend that you check out our archives (not the most recent stuff, that was crap compared to our early, authentic, early work, when we still believed in the music, man). Other stuff that lays out how we deal with media and the fucking Trump presidency can be found here:

Indivertible: The Fucking News Guide for Fixing the Fucking News

How To Survive the Fucking Trump Presidency

If you insist on obtaining validation from external sources before accepting our invitation to check us out, congratulations, you’re an empiricist. Now please stop what you’re doing and run for office. No? Okay, well, then here’s the Tweet where Naomi Klein threw us some love, and you can read more about us here.

Now go sign up already, and know that The Fucking News will return some day to destroy the Earth as we know it because He loves you.

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Tom Perez Wins DNC Chair Electoral-College Vote

The Democratic National Committee on Saturday elected former Obama Labor Secretary Tom Perez as its new chair, in an obvious rejection of the progressive politics represented by challenger Rep. Keith Ellison (R-MN). Perez immediately made Ellison his top deputy and the two men vowed to work together, in an obvious embrace of the progressive politics represented by challenger Rep. Keith Ellison (R-MN).

The DNC’s ability to capitalize on the stunningly rapid rise of anti-Trump activism was on full display at the meeting, as endorsements were mistakenly issued, voting records weren’t kept track of and the WiFuckingFi didn’t fucking work.

It was not clear at press time how many Ellison supporters would remain engaged with pressing the party to push back against corporatist power and how many would enable corporatist power by withholding their ever-pure selves and playing videogames.

more: Hill, Politico
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Three Quickies

  1. According to a new estimate, Pres. Fucking Trump is now averaging four falsehoods or misleading statements a day–not counting private ones to Melania and to various plaintiffs–although he plans to increase his output once his full staff is in place.
  2. Pres. Fucking Trump is struggling to fill many of his appointed positions because of the growing surplus of skeletons in the closets of those he wants to nominate.
  3. Attention Walmart shoppers! Pres. Fucking Trump is about to raise the price of that plastic combination coffee maker/blender/rifle you’ve had your eye on, according to a warning from Walmart itfuckingself.
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National Appreciation for Boring, Competent Bureaucrats Soars as Trump Accidentally Seals Off All Southern Border Crossing Points

– Dukakis in 2020? –

In just one week of peak private-sector-level incompetence, Pres. Donald Fucking Trump has succeeded at what many considered an impossible task: Making stimulation-addicted Americans long for the days of hard-working, respectable, quiet, competent, government bureaucrats.

“Motherfucker had a typo in the headline of a fucking press release,” former Democratic presidential candidate Mike Dukakis, now considered an early front-runner for 2020, said from his Iowa campaign headquarters in an exclusive Fucking News dream.

The actual fucking typo was first reported–maybe?–in Wednesday’s TFN:

On the same day TFN reported that typo–now fixed, you’re welcome–Pres. Fucking Trump issued an executive order directing federal agencies to begin work on a wall spanning the entire U.S. southern border with Mexico. With no doors.

We checked.

Nice try, Fucking News, you say, but obviously existing border-crossing points are implied as exceptions in the wall. These executive orders aren’t just slammed out by political hacks, you say. At a minimum, you insist, when drafting these orders, the White House consults with many of the agencies and lawmakers who will be critical to their success.


Okay, so they fucked up. But ordering the immediate construction of a wall is pretty simple. They just say this in their executive order:

And even a Breitbart fucking clown knows to just make sure that they define “southern border” so that it excludes existing, legal points of entry.

Okay, but if the contiguous border they have to cover with the wall includes all points of entry, you say, surely all they need to do is make sure they define “wall” so that it doesn’t mean the wall itself is contiguous.

But, but, but, you sputter, even if the contiguous border is covered by a contiguous wall that includes all points of entry, that still doesn’t mean that the contiguous wall has to actually be impassable!

IT’S JUST NOT POSSIBLE THAT ON THE FIFTH FULL DAY IN OFFICE DONALD TRUMP ORDERED THE BORDER TOTALLY FUCKING SEALED OFF! you cry in despair.

If they were really that fucking incompetent, you sob, we would see them walking back major elements of this plan, which they’ve had smart, professional policy people working on for a year now.

Adios, Mexico.

Y los Estados Unidos, también.

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GOP Rallies Around New ObamaCare Battle Cry: “LET’S NOT BE TOO HASTY!”

After only two days in session, the new Republican Congress is moving full-speed ahead to not get rid of ObamaCare any time soon.

At a closed-door session on Wednesday, one unnamed House member reportedly said, “You lose all leverage once you repeal this thing.” Long-time readers of The Fucking News may remember that ObamaCare opponents have spent the last eight years vowing not to lose all leverage.

The unnamed member explained later in an exclusive TFN hallucination, “We’ve had eight years to figure this out. Now it’s time to figure this out.”

Rep. Walter Jones (R-NC), one of the last remaining semi-sane House Republicans, said for reals, “You cannot repeal and not replace.” Beltway insiders tell TFN that, in legislative parlance, not repealing and not replacing is also known as keeping.

Among other Republican voices suggesting that America not liberate itself from socialist, death-panel tyranny TOO quickly, is the president fucking elect, who Tweeted Wednesday a warning to Republicans:

The media and much of the professional left went nuts, divertibly enough, over Trump’s desire to make Democrats pay a political price. Little attention was paid to Trump’s specific critique: That ObamaCare doesn’t cover enough people cheaply enough. Trump’s  focus on quantifiable metrics flies in the face of the congressional Republican preference for a free-market process…which may or may not lead to the Invisible Hand outcomes they swear it will with their Invisible Hand on the magic book of the Invisible Insurance Company CEO in the sky.

 

more: HuffPo