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Your Daily Fucking Planner – Jan. 1, 2018

12:00:01am — Drunken dudes at parties around the country kick off the new year by ceremonially launching thousands of new #metoo stories
3am — The sale of recreational marijuana becomes legal in California
3:15am — Hundreds of Hollywood producers and executives abruptly end long-term friendships with that seedy, sun-weathered guy of no apparent means of support who sometimes came over to hang out and chill for no longer than ten minutes
(all times EDT because fuck the Heartland)

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Your Daily Fucking Planner – July 5, 2017

9:30am — TFN readers recall that The Fucking News is still on hiatus and realize today’s edition is just a one-time thing thanks to the holiday fought for by our forefathers…in the unions…who secured our freedoms
9:20am— TFN readers recall that it wasn’t as funny as they remembered it
3pm — Emergency U.N. meeting requested by the U.S. to discuss North Korea’s scariness (see Today’s BFD)
4:30pm — U.N. non-meeting to not discuss the trenchant-ness of the fact the U.S. celebrated its funding cuts to U.N. peacekeeping just a week before requesting an emergency U.N. peacekeeping talkmeeting
(all times EDT because fuck the Heartland)

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Your Weekend Fucking Planner – March 3-5, 2017

Friday
Another big work day for the president! Can you count how many of the six items on his public schedule involve the “work” of leaving, arriving, or eating?
10:25am — 
[Time to get to work!] Pres. Fucking Trump leaves Really White House
12:50pm — Pres. Fucking Trump arrives in Orlando, Florida
1:35pm — Pres. Fucking Trump meets with parents, teachers, and students at some school. [Kids, ask your parents what kind of fun stuff happens when an ADD president who’s shitty at national security visits a Florida school!]
3:20pm — Pres. Fucking Trump leaves Orlando, Florida. [Hey, y’know what else is in Florida? As long as we’re here, why don’t we just make a weekend out of it?]
4:05pm — [Quitting time!] Pres. Fucking Trump arrives in West Palm Beach, Florida, to begin his weekend at the Witless White House
7pm — Pres. Fucking Trump attends RNC dinnermeatloaf!
(all times EDT because fuck the Heartland)

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Your Daily Fucking Planner – March 3, 2017

Ed. note: ONE DAY after we mock the lack of actual work in the president’s daily schedule and today there’s no schedule for him to be found online. Coincidence? PROBABLY!
Oh, wait, here it is:
10:30am —
Pres. Donald Fucking Trump receives his daily intelligence briefing and once again starts his work day at 10:fucking:30 in the morning
11:40am-4:50pm — Pres. Fucking Trump visits Langley Air Force Base
4:50pm — Pres. Fucking Trump calls it a day; whew, that was a long one!
(all times EDT because fuck the Heartland)

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Your Daily Fucking Planner – March 1, 2017

Pres. Fucking Trump’s actual, complete public schedule:
10:30am —
 [Time to get to work!] Receives daily intelligence briefing [typically a page or two, and often followed on his schedule by other items just half an hour later]
12:30pm — [Two HOURS later!] Lunchtime! Accompanied by congressional leaders
4pm — [THREE AND A HALF hours later!] Leads [attends] legislative-affairs strategy session
6:30pm — Dinnertime! Accompanied by Secy. of State Rex Tillerson, whose portions will be 37% smaller than Trump’s [little budget-cut joke for ya there]
And THAT’s his ENTIRE fucking public schedule! Four fucking items, two of which are eating!
(all times EDT because fuck the Heartland)

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Your Daily Fucking Planner – Feb. 27, 2017

9:30am — Pres. Fucking Trump stops by National Governors Association to wish the nation’s governors good luck treating residents who have insufficient health insurance
10:30am — Pres. Fucking Trump meeting with health-insurance CEOs to wish them good luck counting all their fucking blood money, cancer money, cardiac money, and pre-existing money
Noon — Senate convenes to give Wilbur Ross bipartisan confirmation as Commerce secretary despite lingering questions about his Russia ties and no lingering questions about his ties to fucking over workers
(all times EDT because fuck the Heartland)

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Your Weekend Fucking Planner – Feb. 24-26, 2017

Friday
10am — 
Pres. Fucking Trump speaks at CPAC’s annual meeting of conservatives who strongly oppose some pedophilia
2pm — Pres. Fucking Trump meets with Gov. John Kasich (R-OH), so they can figure out which of them called the meeting
3pm — Pres. Fucking Trump meets with Pres. Pedro Pablo Kuczynski of Peru to explain why the White House apparently sent out a schedule listing him as Pres. Pedro Pablo Kuczynski of Perun
(all times EDT because fuck the Heartland)

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Your Daily Fucking Planner – Feb. 23, 2017

8:30am — Pres. Fucking Trump looks at his public schedule for the day, realizes his plan to list every fucking thing he’s scheduled to do is starting to backfire because it’s making people realize how fucking late he starts his workday and how little fucking work he’s doing–which is fucking fantastic when you think about it, but still plays into the seething hatred of his multitudes of hypocrisies
10am — Pres..Fucking Trump receives daily intelligence briefing, realizes this is the first item on his public schedule for the day, hastily instructs staff to jam in other shit, hell, include phone calls if you have to
10:30am — Pres. Fucking Trump meeting with manufacturing CEOs for an ensemble performance of My Policies Will Somehow Create Manufacturing Jobs
12:15pm — Pres. Fucking Trump speaks with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau by phone, realizes his public schedule now makes it look like he only has one phone call a day, adds dinner to his public schedule
2:30pm — Pres. Fucking Trump attends meeting on human trafficking, invites Melania, who declines
8:30pm — Pres. Fucking Trump attends dinner with business leaders, realizes his public schedule now makes it look as if he just spent six hours talking about human trafficking
(all times EDT because fuck the Heartland)