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House Bill Would Protect Americans from Knowing Reasons for Proposed Regulations

The House passed a regulatory-transparency bill on Thursday to limit regulatory transparency. The Regulatory Integrity Act actually does some shit that might be–is the word “good”?–let’s go with “good.” The bill could prove very fucking useful if anyone other than K Street pays attention to it: It requires agencies to post online a list of every proposed rule and regulation they are working on, a description of what those rules do, the status of each proposed rule in the finalization process, and the timeline of benchmarks toward completion.

All of those requirements open the doors not just to K Street but to real fucking people to weigh in, drum up public support/opposition, and do the work of being a human in a representative democracy.

Here’s what it also does, because OF COURSE: It prevents regulators from advocating for the rules they want to make. That’s the benign, GOP way of putting it. Let’s try this way! —-> The House bill says that U.S. citizens can not find out from government regulators the fucking reason WHY they are proposing their rules.

In other words, K Street will be able to find out what rules are on the way in time to get Congress to stop it…while the American people will not be allowed to know why these rules are on the way. Unless, of course, We. Do. The. Fucking. Work.

more: Hill
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Senate Democrats Fail to Block Ross Confirmation After No-Night Filibuster

Vulture-capital billionaire Wilbur Ross was confirmed as Commerce Secretary by the Senate on Monday night by a vote of 72-27, after Democrats mounted an overnot non-filibuster that lasted into the we-caved hours of Monday night.

Nineteen Democrats, and Sen. Angus King (I-ME), who caucuses with the party, helped not block the confirmation by taking all the bathroom breaks they wanted and not holding the floor by listing, for example, all the people who have been fired by Ross over the course of his 79 years on Earth. And then those Democrats joined the Republicans to confirm the foreclosure-king, coal-miner-killing billionaire with ties to Russia as America’s Commerce secretary.

Ross’s nomination was considered relatively uncontroversial due to his well-respected record of successfully working within existing norms to exploit the American economy for his own enrichment.

more: Hill
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Trump Budget To Do for America What He Did for His Businesses: Bankrupt It 

In a major speech by a major asshole Tuesday night, Pres. Fucking Trump will address a joint session of Congress to lay out details of the preliminary budget proposals he made on Monday, which would put America on the same path he has taken his businesses: Down a trailer-park shithole.

Fucking Trump’s plan calls for cutting $54 billion from agencies such as the State Department and the Environmental Protection Agency. Congressional Republicans Monday night said they were unhappy that the plan does not call for cutting Medicaid, Medicare, and Social Security benefits, which they are hoping to present as a fun surprise to Trump’s voters.

However, military analysts say that cutting funds from the EPA will make it easier to defend America, since there would be less American land worth defending after more rivers and marshlands and nice places are Trumped into piles of toxic corporate detritus and vile, poisonous shit.

Additionally, gutting America’s diplomatic efforts would be made up for by spending $54 billion above current legal spending caps on the military, which will need the extra weaponry to handle the consequences of gutting diplomatic efforts.

News that Fucking Trump plans to cut domestic spending in order to expand the military came on the same day as reports of a new, draft plan for fighting ISIS that calls for increasing the number of American soldiers dying in Iraq and elsewhere in the Middle East. Historians will recall that spending trillions of dollars on military bullshit in the Middle East instead of on our own country is exactly what Fucking Trump campaigned on not doing back in 2016.

Fucking Trump’s plan to spend more money on guns also came on the same day that the U.S. military began another wave of cutbacks in services to America’s men and women in uniform due to Fucking Trump’s hiring freeze. The plan to emulate Pres. George W. Bush’s career arc in the Middle East also also came on the same day yet another Bush fatality was buried.

Air National Guard veteran Annie Muller served in Iraq–right next to burn pits spewing clouds of chemicals even more toxic and dangerous than the new Trump budget. Muller died one week ago of pancreatic cancer that she blamed on exposure to the burn pits.

Muller is survived by three children and a president dedicated to making their lives even shittier. She was 36 years old.

more: HuffPoReuters
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Democrats Vow to Learn Mistakes of the Past in Order to Keep Repeating Them

Determined to avoid in the 2018 and 2020 elections the mistakes that cost them so dearly in the 2010, 2014, and 2016 elections, the Democratic Party will meet on Saturday to hold their own elections and repeat those mistakes in 2017.

On Saturday, the Democrats pick their new party chairman–with Rep. Keith Ellison (D-MN) and former Obama Labor Secretary Tom Perez the clear front-runners. Although Ellison has some establishment backing, he is also the favorite of Sanders supporters, while Perez has the backing of many in the Obama and Clinton camps.

Observers watching Saturday’s election say it’s currently a toss-up whether Democratic leadership will repeat the mistake of going with an establishment candidate likely to repeat the party leadership’s mistakes of the past, or whether the loser’s supporters will repeat the mistake of disengaging rather than using their energy and resources to move the party and its leadership toward them because why even bother, dude, the party is obviously corrupt and will remain corrupt for all of eternity no matter what external events happen because people never succeed at changing anything, man!

more: HuffPo, Hill
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EXCLUSIVE: McConnell Battling Amnesia; Can’t Remember Where He Left Keys, Truth About Coal Jobs

In a heartbreaking scene on Tuesday, Sen. Maj. Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) inadvertently revealed that he is struggling with intermittent bouts of amnesia, causing him to forget once-familiar things he knew as recently as last November, such as the truth about how the Republican Party will create new jobs in the coal industry now that they control both Congress and the Really White House.

The incident drew widespread attention on Wednesday after video surfaced of the exchange. A Kentucky woman who asked McConnell about coal jobs at a town hall Tuesday did so in an emotionally heightened state, drawing the media’s focus away from the substantive issues it normally would have ignored altogether. In addition, some observers pointed out that McConnell failed to answer the question, implying either that McConnell didn’t want to explain the issue at the time or that, possibly, he didn’t have an answer.

In fact, however, as The Fucking News reported back in November, McConnell addressed exactly this question barely one week after Election Day. Referring to the GOP’s coal-deregulation plans, McConnell said, “Whether that immediately brings business back, that’s hard to tell because this is a private sector activity.”

McConnell’s forgetfulness about his agenda’s inability to create coal jobs has manifested itself before. Earlier this month, he oversaw passage of a new law to let coal mines pollute nearby streams based solely on the claim that it would save money so the mines can hire more miners.

Nor is this the first time McConnell has shown memory gaps on serious, even life-or-death issues. Just last year he left a Supreme Court nomination unattended in a hot car for several months until it died.

more: McClatchy
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Mnanchin’s Vote for Mnuchin a Foreclosed Conclusion

Sen. Joe Mnanchin (D-WV) led his Democratic colleagues Monday night in confirming former Wall Street banker Steven Mnuchin as Pres. Fucking Trump’s secretary of the Treasury.

Despite Mnanchin leading his Democratic colleagues in confirming Mnuchin, mnone of the Democrats actually followed. Mnanchin was the only Democratic mnember of the Senate to join the Republican support for Mnuchin.

In an exclusive interview with The Fucking Mnews, Mnanchin said, “Before I’m a Democrat, I represent the people of West Virginia. And no one understands or will look out for the the economic needs of West Virginians like a former Wall Street banker and Hollywood producer who foreclosed on thousands of Americans’ homes and produced Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice.”

more: CNN
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Operators Standing By for Trump Ethics Complaints

Bringing the private-sector ethos of customer service to government, the House Oversight Committee has now added an automated phone tree for callers with information about the private-sector waste and corruption of the Trump Adminisylum. The phone tree was planted to accommodate the massive amounts of complaints coming in about the raging id inhabiting the Really White House.

Callers to the Oversight Committee are directed to “Press 1” if they want “to provide information or make an inquiry relating to President Donald Trump.”

The Fucking News has learned that the volume of calls about Trump and the Trump Cabinut is so high the committee plans to offer callers further options, as outlined in this excerpt from the new phone tree, exclusively obtained by TFN‘s imagination:

For English, press 1
For foreign entanglements, press 1
For Russian issues, press 1
For Deutsche Bank issues, please choose corruption from the main menu
If you have information that could prevent a bullshit war from starting, please hang up and call the New York Times. Wait, no, Washington Post. Shit. Fucking Tweet it.
For corruption, press 2
For organized crime, press 1
For anything not related to Wall Street, press 2
For tax evasion or undocumented workers, press 3
For domestic abuse or sexual misconduct, press 4
For sexual misconduct by the president, press 1
If you are a colleague of his, press 1
If you are a family member, press 2
To be transferred immediately to your on-call duty officer, say or enter on your keypad, “Ivanka”
For interference with your sex life or reproductive rights by the vice president, press
For all other complaints, press 5
Dlya Rossii, nazhmite knopku 2
Para espanol, oprima go fuck yourself
more: TPM
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GOP Eyes Crackdown on Constituent Fraud


Attendees at Chaffetz town hall Thursday hold up
signs reading “Disagree,” which is Mormon slang
for “Eat a dick, you shit-snuffling fuck-knuckle.”
(photo: AP)

Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT), chair of the House Oversight Committee, claims that people who disagreed with him at his town hall last week were not Utah residents, but paid agitators, raising the specter of rampant constituent fraud.

Systemic constituent fraud has been reported at several Republican town halls, and would explain how people might appear to disagree with losing their health insurance, poisoning their water supplies, and letting Wall Street shits do more Wall Street shit.

Constituent fraud can come in several forms, such as passing oneself off as holding dead values, such as the integrity of public officials, the value of organized labor, environmentalism, and basic human rights.

The Fucking News has also learned that the widespread problem of constituent fraud may require the passage of legal measures to prevent it, such as dissenter IDs, which dissenters could obtain at the nearest federally funded abortion clinic on alternate Grunsdays.

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Opposing Trump’s Cabinet Nominees, Senate Democrats Stand Their Ground on Shitty Grounds

Confronted with the most toxic, destructive, radical, out-of-the-mainstream, ideologically unpopular slate of presidential nominees in history, Senate Democrats on Tuesday took a stand and said they will block two of them from consideration unless every single i has been dotted and t crossed on their applications, goddamn it.

The Senate Finance Committee had been scheduled to vote Tuesday on the nominations of Steven Mnuchin as treasury secretary and Tom Price as secretary of health and human services. However, none of the committee Democrats showed up. Without a quorum, the committee can not move the nominees on to the full Senate.

The Democrats took the dramatic stand after word came that, counter to their testimony, Mnuchin’s bank might have engaged in “robo-signing”—illegally fast-tracking foreclosures—and Price might have bought a medical company’s stock at an insider price. Mnuchin’s opposition to the laws and regulations imposed on Wall Street to stop them from breaking the world again, and Price’s plans for Americans to become poor when they get sick had proved relatively uncontroversial.

“My father did not fight and bleed on the battlefields of Verdun for Tom Price to just walk into Health and Human Services and strip away our social safety net—the real guardian of our national security—unless he damn well better have paid 90 cents per share of Innate Immunotherapeutics stock instead of 18 cents per share,” said one hypothetical senator, whose father may nor may not have fought and bled on the battlefields of Verdun.

The move came in response to massive grass-roots groundswell of protest, in which demonstrators have insisted that Trump’s nominees must be honest about what they paid for stocks and which procedures they used to kick Americans into the street before Democrats allow them to begin eviscerating the country.

Democrats also on Tuesday permitted Betsy DeVos, the education secretary nominee, to advance to the full Senate for her confirmation vote, despite suggestions some of her answers to a Senate questionnaire might have been plagiarized. If verified, the plagiarism charges could prove far more devastating to her chances than her ideological inclination to totally fucking dismantle the greatest public-education system the world has ever known and give it to Jesus.

More: HuffPo, CNN
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Senate Democrats Vow To Filibuster Supreme Court Nominee, Seek Treatment for Sudden Growth of Balls

Senate Democrats say they plan to filibuster Pres. Fucking Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, after doctors informed them that they had developed a pair of pendulous growths in the groinal area.

The stunning diagnosis was revealed Monday by Sen. Jeff Merkley (D-OR), who apologized for the metaphor’s gender-specific nature and said a gender-neutral metaphor such as a spine just wasn’t funny and also was offensive to invertebrates.

“This is the first time a Senate majority has stolen a seat,” Merkley said, referring to the Senate Republican refusal to consider former–FUCK THAT HURTS–Pres. Obama’s nominee, who was nominated by a black man.

This will be the second time in modern history a party has attempted to filibuster a Supreme Court nominee, assuming the Democratic sacs retain their size, relative hairiness, and TV-news-friendly pendulousness.

One Democratic senator who spoke to The Fucking News on condition of fictionality conceded there is every chance in the world the sudden swelling will subside, leaving Senate Democrats with no spherical sacs in the groinal area whatsoever.

He added, “The bigger problem is what if they don’t go away? We don’t have the office space to accommodate the enormous set the people are prescribing for us right now. We have no experience handling anything of this size. Of our own, anyway.”

UPDATE: Looks like they’re in remission already.

 more: Politico