California’s Drought: What’s It About? Is It In Doubt? And This Rhymes With Trout

Is California’s six-year drought over? Was there ever a drought? What exactly defines a drought? Who uses most of California’s water? How many gallons of water does it take to produce a pound of beef? Why is climate change happening? What’s the fucking problem?

None of these stormwater questions were adequately answered or even addressed by the mainSTREAM media this weekend as Los Angeles experienced its worst dump since Danny Thomas’ coffee table.

On Saturday, millions of Angelinos awoke to find mud, smashed car remains, and dangerous piles of debris blocking parts of the 101, 110, and 710 freeways. And then the storm hit.

As the mercilessly wet discharge progressed, the Los Angeles River rose to dangerous levels, with its banks threatening to spill millions of gallons of Xanax-tainted sewage back into the neighborhoods from whence they came.

The Fucking News was able to land this comprehensive, first-hand video account of the pummeling from independent news reporter Barry Lank, of The Eastsider’s Deluge Division:

The rain became so intense, Laurel Canyon Boulevard had to be closed when a house porch collapsed onto the road, spilling hazardous amounts of artisanal brew and bearded hipsters into traffic. The closure blocked the main North-South artery leading to a Studio City Starbucks, jeopardizing the completion of hundreds of sitcom scripts featuring vampires and ineffectual husbands married to women way out of their league.

According to the LA Times, the rain has reached record proportions. Since last October, downtown LA has received nearly 14 inches. To put that into perspective, that’s what the average sex worker receives in Chatsworth.

Even though the storm is expected to move away from the coast Tuesday, the National Weather Service still insists on issuing a “small craft-beer advisory” for Huntington Beach.

Most of California’s water goes to agribusiness, i.e., corporate thieves who hog canal water and poison groundwater with pesticides and bovine piss.

Most of the water wasted–um, “used”–by agri-fascists goes to producing meat for the glutinous Jane and John Doughnuts of America to satisfy their obsessive need to eat through their pain and heighten the heinous torture of fellow sentient beings. This, of course, leads to another problem: climate change.

So if you want to ease your sleazy conscience and help combat water shortages, climate change, and clogged arteries, you can start at your dinner plate, you bunch of obtuse, sticky-fingered gristle goobers.