Trump Administration Denies 2017 Drop in Crime, Vows to Crack Down on Crime Even If It Kills You

After modest upticks in previous years, the nation’s crime rate was set to decrease slightly for 2017, despite a wave of violent crimes striking the imaginations of terrified white Trump Administration officials. The decrease in criminality was largely attributed to new regulations decriminalizing most of corporate America’s daily activities.

A study by the Brennan Center for Justice looked at crime in America’s 30 biggest cities and concluded that murders and other violent crimes would end the year down slightly from 2015 and 2016. In New York City, the annual murder rate fell to the lowest it has been since the 1950s. Not just the decade, the actual number—New York used to average more than 1950 murders a year back in the 1990s, when it also averaged more than 1990 murders a year.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions said in December, “As attorney general, I am committed to combating the surge in violent crime and supporting the work of our police officers.” Bolstered by Sessions’ support and/or post-apocalyptic nightmares, police in Wichita responded on Thursday by taking out one of the city’s most never-heard-of non-criminals.

The non-incident un-began when Wichita police received a fake call of a fictional murder and the un-taking of unreal hostages at a real place that wasn’t a crime scene. Yet.

Arriving at the scene while nothing was still in progress, Wichita police surrounded a home where people lived and did stuff and then ordered them to come outside so they could be shot. A 28-year-old resident with a record of conspiracy to raise two children, and who was still serving a life sentence as a father, came to the door. Born Andrew Finch, he went by the street name “Andy.” Finch quickly became aggressive, opening the door to see what the fuck was going on. Within seconds, police ascertained that they had stumbled on a clear case of aggravated door-opening and successfully subdued the perpetrator by shooting him dead. An unnamed, quick-fearing officer opened fire just in time to prevent a determination of whether the unarmed Finch was armed, which he was not. In an unusual twist police were unable to explain, Finch was not believed to be black, although an autopsy had not yet been conducted.

The operation was part of a national crackdown on door-cracking and other violent crimes targeting our men and women in blue and camo-colored para-military vehicles.

Police quickly credited a civic-minded prankster for alerting them to the non-crime, enabling them to take Finch out before he was able to door-open again. One police officer who asked to remain anonymous because he just shot a guy who didn’t do fucking shit told TFN that it didn’t matter whether the national crime wave was a Jeff Sessions fever dream. “Even if this had been a real incident,” the officer said, “We still would have carried out this operation just as successfully, with the only difference being that we would have successfully shot and killed an unarmed hostage, instead.”

more: NYTimesNPR