ObamaCare Repeal’s Mystery Afflictions Lead to Consult By Dr. House of Representatives

Two mysterious symptoms have beset Republican efforts to repeal ObamaCare, leading concerned loved ones to consult with Dr. Gregory House of Representatives, an ornery, contrarian diagnostician of fatally self-destructive policy-making.

The first unsolved mystery was which Republican repeal plan Pres. Fucking Trump was supporting in his Tuesday night speech. Some saw signs of growing support for the lower chamber’s plan to use tax credits to subsidize people’s insurance payments. Senate diagnosticians claim that’s just hypochondria and Fucking Trump displayed no such symptoms.

The second set of symptoms emerged Wednesday night, when scans of the media revealed a massive growth–specifically, a new House plan to repeal ObamaCare. The mystery is that no one can see the plan. The plan will only be visible to House members on Thursday in a dedicated reading room where even members of Congress will only be allowed to read it, and not take copies.

Quarantining the House repeal plan was considered necessary because the virulent contents could cause widespread panic at the thought of catching a virus under the auspices of the House repeal plan.

Consulted about the symptoms, Dr. House first diagnosed sarcoidosis, then discovered that the patient had been exposed to toxic fucking bullshit growing in its rotting leftover tea bags.