Team of Résumés

With less than a month on the job, Pres. Donald Fucking Trump has begun to question some of his first and most important hiring choices, because he’s an idiot but not a total idiot.

According to various reports from reporters talking to people who have every fucking reason in the world to lie—and work for a guy who does it every day—the list of staffers Fucking Trump has begun to second-guess, after failing to first-guess, includes National Job-Insecurity Adviser Michael Flynn, Temp of Staff Reince Priebus, Really White House Press Secremaybe Sean Spicer, and anyone else whose exploitation of others hasn’t made them millions of dollars.

The entire team of climate-change deniers is reportedly on thin ice. “These people are insecure because Trump does not respect them,” one source told Axios. “He does not because they have not made any money.”

Another said the staff has been putting out “400 fires a day,” a tough task for even the most skilled and seasoned arsonists. Trump reportedly has complained that his people have not given him good advice and did not have a legal team ready to defend his Muslim ban against charges that it’s a Muslim ban.

One Trump friend whose name we’re too lazy to look up told a journalistic outlet we couldn’t bother to find the link to in our notes, said for real, “He’s always…had strong people around him, and he’s in the process of figuring out who those people are.” Professionals in the human-resources field told TFN that screening job applicants post-hiring is preferable because it gives employers the best opportunity to see how the people they hired will fuck up their attempts to fuck up America.

Trump reportedly is reluctant to make changes soon, because that would widely be seen as an admission of failure. Trump’s admission that it would be seen as an admission of failure was widely seen as an admission of admission of failure.

Specifically, Trump thinks Flynn is “a problem,” complains about Spicer’s job performance, and has begun asking who might replace Priebus. A draft memo obtained exclusively by The Fucking News shows that Trump’s campaign team is considering a number of possible replacements for Priebus, including Prince Rebus, E. Pluribus, and Heinz Ketchup.

Already, Trump is said to be relying on people outside the three-week-old Really White House staff. “He needs to hear from voices outside the Beltway,” one fictional source told TFN. “He needs to get rid of all these Washington insiders, drain the swamp, and escape the Washington bubble. It’s time to Make the Trump Administration Great Again!”

In an exclusive interview Trump could’ve given with TFN because who knows what the fuck that guy’ll do, Trump said, “I promised America I would hire the best people. And when I replace the best people, I replace them with the best replacements. We will have so much transitioning, you will get sick of transitioning.”

Trump reportedly will have lunch this week with Gov. Chris Christie (R-NJ), who may be under consideration to join the Really White House to calm things down with his gentle touch and way with people.

Update: Late Monday night, Flynn was said to have Trump’s “full confidence,” shortly after which he accompanied Joe Pesci for his initiation to become a made man.