Operators Standing By for Trump Ethics Complaints

Bringing the private-sector ethos of customer service to government, the House Oversight Committee has now added an automated phone tree for callers with information about the private-sector waste and corruption of the Trump Adminisylum. The phone tree was planted to accommodate the massive amounts of complaints coming in about the raging id inhabiting the Really White House.

Callers to the Oversight Committee are directed to “Press 1” if they want “to provide information or make an inquiry relating to President Donald Trump.”

The Fucking News has learned that the volume of calls about Trump and the Trump Cabinut is so high the committee plans to offer callers further options, as outlined in this excerpt from the new phone tree, exclusively obtained by TFN‘s imagination:

For English, press 1
For foreign entanglements, press 1
For Russian issues, press 1
For Deutsche Bank issues, please choose corruption from the main menu
If you have information that could prevent a bullshit war from starting, please hang up and call the New York Times. Wait, no, Washington Post. Shit. Fucking Tweet it.
For corruption, press 2
For organized crime, press 1
For anything not related to Wall Street, press 2
For tax evasion or undocumented workers, press 3
For domestic abuse or sexual misconduct, press 4
For sexual misconduct by the president, press 1
If you are a colleague of his, press 1
If you are a family member, press 2
To be transferred immediately to your on-call duty officer, say or enter on your keypad, “Ivanka”
For interference with your sex life or reproductive rights by the vice president, press
For all other complaints, press 5
Dlya Rossii, nazhmite knopku 2
Para espanol, oprima go fuck yourself
more: TPM