Trump Trumps Protestantism; Launching Do-It-Yourself Religion

A draft version of an executive order legalizing discrimination by recipients of federal money appears to establish the foundations of a new religion, based on a Fucking News exegesis of the actual text. Although it is titled “executive order,” the word “Bible” translates simply as “book,” and “book” is clearly outranked by “executive order,” suggesting that it is, in fact, the holy text for a new religion. Specifically, millions of new religions.

Apparently intended merely to free private enterprise to suck at the federal teat and share it with only fellow fundamentalist Christians, The Order appears to be open to the kind of interpretive flexibility that over 2000 years will get you into a shitload of trouble.

Here’s what The Order says.

“Activities that violate their conscience.” The Order prohibits the United States government from making people violate their conscience. Such as by hiring gay people to bake cakes. Or baking cakes for gay people to eat. Or working at a company that hires gay people to bake cakes for gay people.

But consciences can be violated lots of ways. Fighting in wars. Fighting for a parking space. Paying your taxes. Paying attention in school. The Order does not tell us how to interpret it, leaving us free to do so for ourselves.

In fact, The Order can also be used to justify discriminating against fundamentalist Christians. Companies could fire fundamentalist Christians from jobs that conflict with their beliefs, such as doctors, scientists, teachers, engineers, paleontologists, archaeologists, or any profession that requires critical thinking.

But The Order goes on: It casually empowers people to make up their own religions, explaining that “Religious exercise…includes any act…whether OR NOT the act is required or compelled by, or central to, a system of religious belief.”

Get it? We don’t need your fucking system, man! An act is religious if I say it’s religious. It’s all right there in The Order! In fact, it’s got all the makings of Do It Yourself, Instant Religion. Got caught masturbating in the playground? Religious activity! The beauty is, it’s a religious activity if you say it is. Just add water…Holy or Trump Bottled.

So, if any activity can be a religious activity, what about religious organizations? Not like mosques and synagogues and shit. Real religious organizations: Churches! But wait…The Order says just about anything that doesn’t sell shares to the public…can now be a church! Even if its purpose isn’t religion!

So now anything can be a church, as long as some of its purpose is religious. And as The Order already told us, any purpose can be religious.

And where does The Order tell us our made-up, do-it-ourselves religion, with its Church of the Holy Downloading of Pornography can apply its religious beliefs? What realms of human existence and endeavor now must welcome The Order and its adherents with open arms and federal funding?

As The Order tells us: “All activities of life.”

This is, of course, how one writes an executive order when one was the only guy involved in making Seinfeld who wasn’t funny. Parts of it even appear to be plagiarized from The Handmaid’s Tale.

Doubters will likely claim that The Order does not supersede The Constitution. That its clear violation of 200 years of established federal and state law can not stand. Well, here’s the Revelation at the end of The Order:

See? All that scary, theocratic language designed to whip up the evangelical base…still has to follow the law. And that’s the nice thing about clowns. They write shit to solve problems that aren’t problems or won’t be solved by the shit they write, and then the people who believe the shit they wrote think the problems have been solved. Just like religion.