American Big Business Casually Inquires About Return Policy on Gently Worn Presidencies

After a drunken week playing dress-up in its bespoke future tax cuts and deregulation, American big business sobered up on Monday and began to inquire about the possibility of returning its purchase.

The new administration’s Muslim Ban is proving to be a tighter fit for big business than they expected when they tried it on in the fitting room for 15 fucking months. In addition, some of the new presidency’s Tweets have been poking big business in sensitive areas. And some sections look as if the whole thing could unravel at any moment. Plus, the fucking Dow Jones Average shrank the first time they tried it on.

As one customer review read on Politico yesterday:

And it’s not just political reviews of how the new presidency is wearing on big business. The fake-businessman president’s business-like inability to run something that is not a business is terrifying actual business as the following range of reviews–which were ALL actual headlines on Bloomberg’s front page at the same time on Monday night–demonstrates:




Literally seven out of the top 16 stories on Bloomberg Monday evening were about how shitty the Trump presidency is wearing on big business now that big business has had a chance to break it in a little bit and wear it around the house. A big-business source told The Fucking News (yeah, like we have big-business sources–or sources) that despite the inquiry about returning Trump, big business is resigned to keeping the thing rather than exchanging it for a brand new Mike Pence.

And all those headlines, of course, came before Trump fired Acting Attorney General Sally Yates for failing to meet expectations. We’ll see what Wall Street has to say on Tuesday about a businessman president who doesn’t even know how to conduct a basic employee-evaluation process.

more: Politico