Trump Approves Permanent Residency for Foreign Elements: Methane, Mercury, Arsenic, Fear

Eager to demonstrate their openness to legal immigration, congressional Republicans today will begin the process to ensure that America remains a safe harbor for elements unwanted elsewhere, such as methane, mercury, and arsenic.
The Really White House, stung by criticism of its non-Muslim Muslim Ban non-Ban (see related story and/or stories depending on how much of that insanity we have to wade through by the time we’re done with this story) has said it supports overturning Obama-era rules that were about to go into effect banning the immigration of natural gas into our air and coal-mining run-off into our water supply.

The House Rules Committee will vote Monday on granting three segments of the coal-mining population–mercury, arsenic, and selenium–permanent residency in America’s streams and groundwater. House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI) told The Fucking News while talking in his blissful, child-like sleep, “Just because a few rogue elements from coal mining have killed Americans in the past is no reason to succumb to fear that more Americans will die from letting perfectly innocent mercury, arsenic, and selenium onto our soil. And into our soil. And our drinking water. Well, your drinking water.”

The measure is expected to pass with little to no opposition and no street protests in the communities that will be housing the foreign elements and welcoming them into their hearts, faucets, and esophagi. The Associated Press reports that coal-mining companies estimate the influx of foreign elements will lead to the creation of tens of thousands of jobs.

Other reports, however, suggest that that’s fucking bullshit. As Sen. Maj. Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said just days after Fucking Trump’s election, “Whether that immediately brings [coal] business back, that’s hard to tell because this is a private sector activity.” Or as the head of the Kentucky Coal Association put it, “I would not expect to see a lot of growth because of the Trump presidency.”

Another measure will clear a path to authorize the entry of more than 180,000 tons of methane flared and leaked into the sweet air of unregulated freedom. Environmentalists say the natural-gas industry could recoup the cost of keeping the methane contained because then they’d have–oh, right–more fucking methane to sell. Advocates for the natural-gas industry argue, however, that who can be bothered.

Ryan said, “Sure, the Pentagon considers climate change a danger to America’s future, but that doesn’t mean that we should pre-judge individual tons of methane for the actions of a few bad apples. We’re America, not a bunch of tough-talking cowards who surrender centuries of principle just because we’re afraid of a few thousand tons of methane or President Trump.”

He added, “Where better for methane, selenium, mercury, and arsenic to go than into the great melting pot? When we take these castoffs from highly toxic industrial processes into our hearts and aquifers, we know they won’t return the favor with violent death. We can count on them to observe the law of the land that we’re about to pass and be a productive member of society, contributing slow, incremental, lingering death, which doesn’t make us panic because it doesn’t hate us or have a face.”

A source within the Trump Adminisylum told The Fucking News that the new immigration amnesty will also maintain post-9/11 policies of unlimited admission of fear into the national discourse and mindset. The policy of America acting like a terrified child was first run up the flagpole by Osama bin Laden, and almost immediately implemented by Pres. Bush.

more: AP, Hill