After Exhaustive Employee-Evaluation Process and Compilation of Lengthy Paper Trail, America’s CEO President Offers Generous Severance Package to Long-Time Team Member

Pres. Donald Fucking Trump–elected to run the country with the methodological rigor of a top, successful businessman who obviously achieved success due to managerial acumen–reluctantly bade farewell to a long-time team member on Monday night.

Sally Yates had been with the firm for almost 30 years, and earned promotions from both Republican and Democratic chief executives. Career highlights included focusing on public corruption and leading the marketing team that sold a guilty verdict to a jury in the Olympic bombing case.

She was most recently asked to serve as acting attorney general by incoming Pres. Fucking Trump, who picks the best people. After Yates raised a red flag on Monday about Trump’s rollout of his signature line of anti-Muslim accessories, however, Trump began to compile a paper trail documenting Yates’ chronic inability to follow direction, take initiative in following direction, or maintain a consistent record of promptness in following direction.

Yates then underwent a lengthy human-resources process stretching out at least a couple hours, in which clear performance goals were identified and mutually agreed upon, and Yates attempted to meet expectations in each area. Areas in which Yates displayed room for improvement included, but were not limited to:

  • Sucking Fucking Trump’s unconstitutional dick
  • Failure to observe workplace hygeine requirements, e.g., wiping her ass with the Constitution
  • Swearing at work; specifically, to uphold the Constitution

In a memo to the team Monday night, the CEO thanked Yates for her service, and wished her the best in whatever her next adventure had in store for her, saying of the woman who gave thirty years of service to the firm:

“…Sally Yates, has betrayed the Department of Justice…Ms. Yates is an Obama Administration appointee who is weak on borders and very weak on illegal immigration…”

Trump said he plans to give Yates a proper send-off by taking the whole team out to Applebee’s after work on Thursday.

more: Politico