Your Weekend Fucking Planner – Jan. 27-29, 2017

Friday
8:30am —
Commerce Dept. releases fourth-quarter Gross Domestic Product
8:45am — Pres. Fucking Trump, disgusted, renames it Fantastic Domestic Product, not realizing he’ll be competing against it for the next four years
12:10pm — Pres. Fucking Trump meets with UK Prime Minister Theresa May, grabs her by the pussy
12:11pm — UK Prime Minister Theresa May endorses new Brexit to break away from Pres. Trump’s disgusting, tiny hand
(all times EDT because fuck the Heartland)