National Appreciation for Boring, Competent Bureaucrats Soars as Trump Accidentally Seals Off All Southern Border Crossing Points

– Dukakis in 2020? –

In just one week of peak private-sector-level incompetence, Pres. Donald Fucking Trump has succeeded at what many considered an impossible task: Making stimulation-addicted Americans long for the days of hard-working, respectable, quiet, competent, government bureaucrats.

“Motherfucker had a typo in the headline of a fucking press release,” former Democratic presidential candidate Mike Dukakis, now considered an early front-runner for 2020, said from his Iowa campaign headquarters in an exclusive Fucking News dream.

The actual fucking typo was first reported–maybe?–in Wednesday’s TFN:

On the same day TFN reported that typo–now fixed, you’re welcome–Pres. Fucking Trump issued an executive order directing federal agencies to begin work on a wall spanning the entire U.S. southern border with Mexico. With no doors.

We checked.

Nice try, Fucking News, you say, but obviously existing border-crossing points are implied as exceptions in the wall. These executive orders aren’t just slammed out by political hacks, you say. At a minimum, you insist, when drafting these orders, the White House consults with many of the agencies and lawmakers who will be critical to their success.


Okay, so they fucked up. But ordering the immediate construction of a wall is pretty simple. They just say this in their executive order:

And even a Breitbart fucking clown knows to just make sure that they define “southern border” so that it excludes existing, legal points of entry.

Okay, but if the contiguous border they have to cover with the wall includes all points of entry, you say, surely all they need to do is make sure they define “wall” so that it doesn’t mean the wall itself is contiguous.

But, but, but, you sputter, even if the contiguous border is covered by a contiguous wall that includes all points of entry, that still doesn’t mean that the contiguous wall has to actually be impassable!

IT’S JUST NOT POSSIBLE THAT ON THE FIFTH FULL DAY IN OFFICE DONALD TRUMP ORDERED THE BORDER TOTALLY FUCKING SEALED OFF! you cry in despair.

If they were really that fucking incompetent, you sob, we would see them walking back major elements of this plan, which they’ve had smart, professional policy people working on for a year now.

Adios, Mexico.

Y los Estados Unidos, también.