Trump Frees America from the Endless Red Tape That Holds Back Chaos, Death

The federal government moved swiftly on Wednesday to relieve the burdensome yoke of life-saving government intrusion. An array of agencies responded to a blanket order from Pres. Fucking Trump to delay implementation of all recent rules until the administration can confirm that Wall Street doesn’t like them. Congressional Republicans huddled at a retreat to figure out how to liberate Americans from older established regulations, such as the Magna Carta.

Trump supporters routinely demanded that in his first week in office the new president suspend or delay costly, overbearing, wasteful, tyrannical rules, which he has now accomplished with the following:

  • Freeing oppressed Dentist-Americans to dump an extra five tons of mercury¬†annually into our Freedom Sewers and ultimately our water supplies
  • Liberating small businesses from bureaucratic federal investment dollars
  • Ending preferential hiring treatment for special interests, specifically military spouses
  • Empowering horse owners to continue hurting them to make them trot stylishly, a practice previously practiced by Trump himself on women
  • Restoring America to the days when intrusive government bureaucrats didn’t waste our hard-earned tax dollars with pointless searching for cracks in passenger plane fuselages
In addition to all of those freedom advancements, Trump also threw himself heroically in the path of oncoming regulations that would have mandated the installation of emergency braking systems in automobiles.

Trump’s heroism comes almost exactly one month after December’s deadly truck attack in Berlin, which investigators have just determined was¬†stopped by heroic European regulators who had bravely required emergency braking systems to be installed.

Trump supporters said they are planning a rally to thank him, but have not yet decided whether to travel to Washington by freedom car, liberty passenger plane, or cripple horse.

more: Politico, Hill