New President Gets Previously-Owned by Car Dealers

Pres. Fucking Trump drove off the lot on Tuesday in a brand new vehicle that he says has enough legroom to hold hundreds of thousands of new auto workers over the next few years. Trump’s purchase came after he asked several auto salespersons on Tuesday whether they could do better on job creation and they said just give them a minute to duck into the office and check with their CEOs to see whether they would authorize a special deal just this one time for him.

Trump met with the CEOs of Fiat Chrysler, Ford, and General Motors. All three assured him that if he just signed on this deregulation, initialed that rollback of emissions standards, and authorized this pushback on California’s rules, they could have him in a sporty little number that could go from zero to lots of new jobs in under a decade.

Until yesterday’s deal, Trump had been seen driving his entire cabinet around in a tiny rented clown car.

Trump’s agreement to deregulate in return for job creation comes on the heels of a November sales flier the auto industry sent to Trump alerting him that business has never been better, enabling them to make him a special one-time offer to deregulate now. The flier does not mention new jobs. In fact, auto makers are having trouble filling the jobs they do have, and GM cut 2000 jobs just Monday, despite knowing Trump’s deregulation check would clear on Tuesday.

In an exclusive tape obtained by The Fucking News, auto executives were heard celebrating after closing the deal with Trump on Tuesday. Several remarked how the vehicle they sold him would barely hold a few thousand new workers, and that the savings they enjoy from deregulating will allow them to invest in more robots to replace their workers. One executive bragged about convincing Trump to pay their asking price, saying, “I just grabbed him by the Volvo. It’s like a magnet. I didn’t even wait!”