Trump Vows To Make American Health Care Cheaper, Faster, Better, and with Bigger Tits

Defying the age-old adage—”Faster, better, cheaper — pick two”—Pres.-elect Donald Fucking Trump said this weekend that his health-care plan will be accomplished with all three, plus breasts that are both larger and firmer.

Trump told The Washington Post his health-care plan is “insurance for everybody,” meaning it will either have to be free for people who can’t afford it or mandatory for people who don’t want to pay for it (because America!) and will either way be much less socialist than ObamaCare somehow. And while the right wing cared feverishly that you be able to keep whatever doctor treats your fevers, Trump will not even guarantee that people now on ObamaCare can keep their current plan, let alone their doctor. “It’s not going to be their plan,” he said. “But they’ll be beautifully covered.”

Trump told The Fucking News exclusively in his private booth at a Washington pizzeria that his plan also bans all forms of cancer. “Why Obama didn’t ban cancer, I don’t understand,” we wish Trump said. “I will never figure that guy out.”

The promise of “universal coverage” conflicts with congressional Republican support for “universal access [emphasis added for marketing]” to coverage, which would guarantee all Americans the right to buy health insurance if they have the fucking money.

Congressional Republicans previously benefited from slipshod media coverage of ObamaCare, which tended to portray dissatisfaction with it as coming from free-market capitalists when the reality is a shit-ton of socialists didn’t like it either due to its lack of socialism. Now that Republicans are in charge, however, it’s their own president carrying the socialist banner of dissatisfaction. Unless he’s not.

Because who the fuck knows anything any more now that it’s the Republicans voting to fund ObamaCare.

more: WaPo, HuffPo