The public face of the Republican replacement for ObamaCare is beginning to take shape, Politico reports, based on the principle of guaranteeing people “universal access” to health care, rather than “universal coverage.” The Republican alternative would end mandatory health-insurance coverage entirely, and instead simply guarantee that health care will be available for any people who happen to express an interest in having health.
Those people interested in having health would then simply access health care by giving insurers and providers universal access to all their money. A similar model was used to provide universal food access to the cast of Les Miserables. The Fucking News has learned that the GOP plan entails replacing universal coverage with universal, single-payer, government-provided cosmetic surgery to mask the horrific disfigurement of the Invisible Hand. Any internal hemorrhaging induced in the body politic will be allowed to continue deregulated.
Among the procedures covered by the new plan:
- Injecting toxic deregulation under the surface of the insurance industry to make it appear fuller, suppler and more affordable
- Erasing lines that block insurance companies in shitty states from selling their shitty insurance in first-world states
- Eye lifts to prevent consumers from seeing the shitty care they’ll be getting for the money—Alabama prices, Alabama kwalitee!
- Injections of Notax to freeze American’s faces so they won’t betray the horror and emotional agony of what they’ve done to themselves
The use of dead capitalism cells for cosmetic purposes has been tried before. The Republican plan to let insurance companies and health providers charge what they want, for instance, was the subject of a brief experiment that ran from 1492 to 2013 and killed tens of millions of people.