Jesus H₂O Christi: Texas Wants To Tap That Gas

Corpus Christi, Texas, is putting a lot more Crystal Springs water in its corpus today, after the city told 300,000 residents there not to use tap water for washing or drinking. An estimated 250,000 residents rely on water for routine personal hygiene.

The warning was caused by the discovery of two unidentified “petroleum-based chemicals” in the water supply, far above the normal number of just one petroleum-based chemical in Texas water.

Until yesterday, local scientists estimated that an average 57% of the human body of Christ was comprised of water. Officials told The Fucking News the water emergency will not affect long-term city plans, such as leasing public lands beneath the dams that store two of its three biggest water sources for oil and gas drilling and fracking.