Posted on

Your Daily Fucking Planner – Jan. 1, 2018

12:00:01am — Drunken dudes at parties around the country kick off the new year by ceremonially launching thousands of new #metoo stories
3am — The sale of recreational marijuana becomes legal in California
3:15am — Hundreds of Hollywood producers and executives abruptly end long-term friendships with that seedy, sun-weathered guy of no apparent means of support who sometimes came over to hang out and chill for no longer than ten minutes
(all times EDT because fuck the Heartland)

Posted on

Five Quickies

  1. The Census Bureau is weighing a request by the Justice Department to begin asking respondents about their citizenship status, a move which could simultaneously intimidate non-citizens and cut costs by gerrymandering the entire country in one fell swoop.
  2. Trump’s infrastructure plan is already ahead of schedule in running up costs, as the Providence Journal reports that the budget for an I-95 viaduct has soared in just one year to accommodate the vig required by privatization.
  3. The military today will begin recruiting transgender people to kill other people.
  4. The Trump Administration is rolling back regulations on offshore oil rigs such as the planned Deepwater VerizonTM in order to bring down gas prices and further destroy North Dakota’s economy.
  5. Puerto Rico announced this weekend that 55% of households and businesses now have electrical power and that the remaining 45% will have power restored by March or maybe May, depending on when emergency shipments of relief electricity arrive.
Posted on

Trump Administration Denies 2017 Drop in Crime, Vows to Crack Down on Crime Even If It Kills You

After modest upticks in previous years, the nation’s crime rate was set to decrease slightly for 2017, despite a wave of violent crimes striking the imaginations of terrified white Trump Administration officials. The decrease in criminality was largely attributed to new regulations decriminalizing most of corporate America’s daily activities.

A study by the Brennan Center for Justice looked at crime in America’s 30 biggest cities and concluded that murders and other violent crimes would end the year down slightly from 2015 and 2016. In New York City, the annual murder rate fell to the lowest it has been since the 1950s. Not just the decade, the actual number—New York used to average more than 1950 murders a year back in the 1990s, when it also averaged more than 1990 murders a year.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions said in December, “As attorney general, I am committed to combating the surge in violent crime and supporting the work of our police officers.” Bolstered by Sessions’ support and/or post-apocalyptic nightmares, police in Wichita responded on Thursday by taking out one of the city’s most never-heard-of non-criminals.

The non-incident un-began when Wichita police received a fake call of a fictional murder and the un-taking of unreal hostages at a real place that wasn’t a crime scene. Yet.

Arriving at the scene while nothing was still in progress, Wichita police surrounded a home where people lived and did stuff and then ordered them to come outside so they could be shot. A 28-year-old resident with a record of conspiracy to raise two children, and who was still serving a life sentence as a father, came to the door. Born Andrew Finch, he went by the street name “Andy.” Finch quickly became aggressive, opening the door to see what the fuck was going on. Within seconds, police ascertained that they had stumbled on a clear case of aggravated door-opening and successfully subdued the perpetrator by shooting him dead. An unnamed, quick-fearing officer opened fire just in time to prevent a determination of whether the unarmed Finch was armed, which he was not. In an unusual twist police were unable to explain, Finch was not believed to be black, although an autopsy had not yet been conducted.

The operation was part of a national crackdown on door-cracking and other violent crimes targeting our men and women in blue and camo-colored para-military vehicles.

Police quickly credited a civic-minded prankster for alerting them to the non-crime, enabling them to take Finch out before he was able to door-open again. One police officer who asked to remain anonymous because he just shot a guy who didn’t do fucking shit told TFN that it didn’t matter whether the national crime wave was a Jeff Sessions fever dream. “Even if this had been a real incident,” the officer said, “We still would have carried out this operation just as successfully, with the only difference being that we would have successfully shot and killed an unarmed hostage, instead.”

more: NYTimesNPR
Posted on

China Counters Trump Masterstroke with Blindingly Obvious Parry

The year-end deadline created by the new Republican tax bill touched off a last-minute scramble among millions of Americans, including China.

The new Republican tax bill caps individual deductions for local taxes in several blue states at $10,000. It also lowers taxes for corporations from a top marginal rate of 35 percent down to kiss my rich ass. Rushing to beat the midnight deadline, China traveled back in time to Jan. 1, 2017, and retroactively lowered its own tax rate to kiss my ostensibly commie ass. Effective one year ago, China’s new, lower corporate tax rate now comes one year before Trump’s future tax cut, which is now one year late. China’s new rate was the result of extensive negotiations at the highest levels of the Chinese government over whether killing Hitler as a baby would make things better or worse.

Four seconds after Trump signed the new U.S. tax rates—which American executives said would let them compete on a level playing field—into law, American executives complained that they were unable to compete in China with American companies unless China’s tax rates created a level playing field with American rates. The new rates ensure that China will now be able to compete with the United States and other low-tax, low-regulation, third-world countries.

American corporations are also scrambling to figure out to figure out how many people they’ll be able to fire thanks to the fleets of new robots their tax windfall will buy.

more: NYTimes
Posted on

Iranian Protesters Take to the Streets of Iran to Protest Iranian Stuff

In response to a mounting sense of Iranian stuff, Iranian protesters took to the streets of Iran over the weekend, demanding changes to Iranian stuff. The protests were reported in the capital, which is probably Tehran, as well as other cities, which are not Tehran, according to several reports on American television.

The protests came in response to developments in Iranian politics that may or may not involve issues outside the Iranian border, the U.S. reports indicated. Protesters ran the gamut from young, urban people who look kind of American to older, scarier types, various news outlets reported.

Middle East experts interviewed on American television warned that it would be easy for others to draw the wrong lessons from the protests, which can only be said to indicate that the Iranian people are beginning to come around to the views of Middle East experts interviewed on American television.

Posted on

At the New York Times, Meritocracy Dies in a Dimly Lit Corner Booth at Mar-a-Lago

The New York Times landed an unmediated, unplanned interview with President Donald Trump last week, and used the rare opportunity to redefine “landed” as “blew.”

The interview did generate some news, when “news” is defined as unimportant, predictable opinion and speculation rather than substantive, factual information. The Times was widely criticized for the lack of pushback in the follow-up questions, but data analysis by The Fucking News reveals that the real problem was in the first-up questions, which were largely about jack-shit, who-gives-a-shit, and fuck all.

To info-splain the data behind the interview, the TFN Interactives/Emojis Team created the following interactive listicle data-gif-storm, turning the numbers underlying the Q&A into a graphic representation of symbols indicating phonetic sounds that comprise words. We call it Carper’s Index.

Carper’s Index of the NY Times Trump Interview

Number of questions about Trump’s beliefs about when the DOJ investigation might be resolved: 3
Number of follow-up questions regarding Trump’s feelings about his beliefs about when the DOJ investigation might be resolved: 2
Number of actual informations Trump possesses about when the DOJ investigation might be resolved: 0
Number of questions about the comparative loyalties of Eric Holder and Jeff Sessions: 1
Number of children no longer covered by the Children’s Health Insurance Program: 9,000,000
Number of children no longer covered by the Children’s Health Insurance Program who were not asked about: 9,000,000
Number of requests to explain the Democrats on the tax bill: 1
Number of requests to explain the Republicans on the tax bill: 0
Number of requests to explain the tax bill: 0
Number of interruptions to affirm the niceness of Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV): 1
Number of interruptions to affirm Trump’s popularity in West Virginia: 1
Number of interruptions to affirm facts contrary to Trump’s statements: 0
Number of interruptions to challenge Trump by asking him, “And you think you can do it?”: 1
Number of questions regarding Trump’s opinions about the Alabama special election for Senate: 4
Number of questions regarding Trump’s opinion about various matters related to the Alabama special election for Senate that relate to the hypothetical bigness of a hypothetical Luther Strange victory: 1
Number of questions regarding how much money Trump is willing to spend on public infrastructure: 1
Number of questions regarding how much of that money will subsidize private ownership of public infrastructure: 0
Number of observations that Trump is moving to the center: 1
Number of times Trump corrects that observation: 1
Number of times Trump’s correction is met with the observation that he is not moving: 1
Number of times Trump corrects the observation that he is not moving by saying, “I’m always moving”: 1
Number of directions in which Trump says he is moving: 2
Number of times Trump is asked what direction he’s moving in to restore power in Puerto Rico: 0
Percentage of households in Puerto Rico estimated to be without electrical power: 45
Percentage of households in Puerto Rico estimated to be without political power: 108
Number of questions that begin with “Do you think I’m wrong…”: 1
Number of questions that begin with “Do you think I’m wrong…” and end with bullshit hypothesis that in 2018 Trump will be a “a real deal maker,” whatever the fuck that fucking means: 1
Number of clarifications of whatever the fuck that fucking means: 0
Number of answers to questions that begin with “Do you think I’m wrong…” that amount to “Yes.”: 1
Number of times Trump’s remarks are responded to with the word, “Yeah”: 4
Number of times the word “Yeah” came in response to Trump asking whether he makes sense: 1.

The Times defended the interview by explaining that it was impromptu, forcing the interviewer to rely solely on his knowledge of and interest in horseshit.

(Ed. Note: The original headline for this article was “Something Something Access of Evil” but we never really made it work. The current headline was originally factually correct regarding the location of the interview but was altered because “dimly lit corner booth” makes us laugh.)

more: NY Times

Posted on

In Memoriam – Norm

After a two-year battle with reality, Norm topped the list of celebrity deaths in 2017. Norm was one of the first modern-era celebrities known more for their fame than for actually accomplishing anything.

Norm maintained homes in New York and Washington, where he was toasted for decades as a pillar of society, despite having had a hand in misbegotten military adventures and devastating economic policies. Norm first rose to prominence claiming repeated abuses by organized labor and then by civil-rights activists. The court of public opinion eventually ruled in favor of both movements, however.

Norm is survived by a sprawling U.S. military presence around the globe. It died peacefully in bed surrounded by close pundits. The middle class sent a statement regretting that it was unable to attend a memorial service, as it, too, is dying.

Posted on

Trump-Free Briefs

  • An Army general who was in contention to serve as as the next commander of the U.S. Army in Europe has been denied promotion to a third star after an internal investigation found that he referred to a Democratic congressional staffer as “sweetheart,” a charge that was vehemently denied by General Sugar-Manboobs.
  • New Year’s Eve was cold, according to reports, as part of nature’s plan to increase global warming at a pace sufficiently gradual to let deniers cherry-pick data and recalibrate norms, according to research published early last year by a frog in a pot of boiling water.
  • The activist Erica Garner, daughter of police-brutality victim Eric Garner, died this weekend after an asthma attack triggered her chronic cardiac condition. Doctors found earlier this year that her heart was literally too large.
  • A Pennsylvania judge ruled on Friday that a congressional district there was drawn to give Republicans an electoral advantage and that that was just hunky dory.
  • Minimum-wage hikes went into effect in 18 states Monday, giving raises to an estimated 4.5 million poor and fooling-themselves-they’re-not-poor people.
Posted on

Word of the Day – Innerview

innerview
ihn’ərvyoo (noun)
An interrogatory discussion in which one party attempts to elicit from the other information that is of interest solely to the first party and not to any readers who might not have cushy fucking health plans or financial stability or white privilege or business cards or whatever the fuck.
Ex. “Mr. President, what a surprise to find you here at the place you always are! I’m only a New York Times reporter, so I’m not prepared to ask you any substantive questions about current news issues such as Puerto Rico or taxes or future issues such as the privatization of America’s infrastructure, but would you be willing to do an innerview anyway?
“Okay, but make sure you don’t ask any follow-up questions, so people can focus on that rather than on the shitty original questions.”
“But–I mean, okay!”

Posted on

Your Daily Fucking Planner – July 5, 2017

9:30am — TFN readers recall that The Fucking News is still on hiatus and realize today’s edition is just a one-time thing thanks to the holiday fought for by our forefathers…in the unions…who secured our freedoms
9:20am— TFN readers recall that it wasn’t as funny as they remembered it
3pm — Emergency U.N. meeting requested by the U.S. to discuss North Korea’s scariness (see Today’s BFD)
4:30pm — U.N. non-meeting to not discuss the trenchant-ness of the fact the U.S. celebrated its funding cuts to U.N. peacekeeping just a week before requesting an emergency U.N. peacekeeping talkmeeting
(all times EDT because fuck the Heartland)